all the moments that already passed; we'll try to go back and make them last; all of the things we want each other to be; we never will be;
there's no point turning back. why cant the damn mind just stop rewinding those tapes of the past? i really thank those who tried to help, but i just hate myself for that stubbornness, for that heart that just wouldnt be strong enough to withstand whatever i'm feeling now.
im not feeling myself recently. i've tried distracting myself. i've tried putting aside whatever im feeling, but at the end of the day, they all came back. and everything's back to square one, cos all the problems and tangles, i've solved none. time really heals nothing really i think, only experiences and realisations can. so i havent experienced enough, i havent realised enough. i cant find the answers yet.
to you, after all this while, im still denying. even sometimes when i say when things happen, just let them happen, let nature take its course, but this time, im scared of the consequences. im afraid of what is to come, just take it that im not brave enough to face myself then.
as to you, since you were gone, you really took a part of me with you. really, sometimes i really think you are probably irreplacable, locked in my memories and i just want to relive the days when you were around. maybe those were the best times of my childhood, you gave me something i can consider defining as childhood. i really rather choose to believe that you will be happy in wherever you are, happier than me i hope. and in the meantime, i'll try to put a period to all these, and try to get along better with mom. the thought of me treating you as a substitute all along is unfair, way too unfair for everybody.
]]
i still want to believe that tomorrow is going to be a better day.
otherwise its way too tiring.
things ought to happen because there is a reason.
and may i find those reasons and answers soon. 19:47
29 October 2006
以为原地踏步就会没事； 以为事情久了就能淡忘，就会麻木；
好想哭； 因为兜了一个圈子发现自己很傻； 更傻的是，自己还想傻下去；
原来有些事憋在心里，最后还是中了内伤。
21:00
28 October 2006
today, there were some points of time i felt so overwhelmed that i had to fight back my tears.
and of course, there were some moments i felt so confused too.
but this time round, im quite sure of what i want, though the more certain i am, the more afraid i get because just the thought of the unknown shudders me. i dont want to rebel against my parents though, it just isnt right. and i cant seem to muster enough courage in me yet, to barge through the barriers. the idea of talking to them about it is scary enough.
on the other hand, one thing for sure, i will not regret going for church today. i dont know whether i can still go in the weeks to come, i dont know when i'll muster enough courage to go ask (i guess today's out of the question), but i promise myself to try.
i want to learn to love You the way You loved me; 20:40
when outings equate to me having no money at the end of the day, they usually dont appeal much to me anymore. but i guess today can still be considered an enjoyable one - watching the prestige and going for scream 'o6 with sevenfive! (:
the prestige is a good movie i think though it was quite confusing at some parts, but its definitely worth the $7.50! the facades of magic, the true self under the masks, the thirst for revenge - very good points to ponder over... it feels good to engage in some not-as-brainless entertainment once in a while.
SCREAM 'o6 was quite fun, and i guess some of us were quite lucky and we were one of the last groups to go for the haunted trail while the rest didnt get their chance cos of time constraint. the trail was... scary. of course with your usual crawls in the tunnel, being frightened by sudden appearance of some hideous figures, people following you without your knowledge. its way better than what i expected it to be and frankly speaking im quite impressed by the acting and makeup by the councillors. hmm think i'll vote the girls' toilet e207 as the scariest station, that one totally rocked heh. damn scary. me, yeenseen, reihorng and robert screamed like crap. haha. we all screamed. and at some times, we had to hold hands to muster that lil bit more of courage. so i conclude the four of us arent exactly very brave xD
archiving these fun moments - i guess some bits of the emptiness are inevitable. but i'll try to engage my senses and maybe things will be a lil better.
i shall just take it as it is.
come what may; 00:06
26 October 2006
something is wrong.
why is that after happy or fun moments, what's left immediately is just an awkward emptiness? it just seems to me that those previous moments belong to somewhere really far far away, even when it just ended and they are then locked up as something called memories, and nothing is left really.
after yueqi got off the bus today, i sat down and stoned. i tried thinking, but found nothing. i could remember what happened recently, but everything became so distant, just like im just observing like a third party. something is missing, but what is it i have really no idea.
no tangles. just a lot of seemingly blank spaces which i cant tell what.
for now, im just suddenly afraid of what i dont know that is happening to me. there are some emotions that i wont want them to fade away, but im losing grasp.
): 19:22
24 October 2006
let's be a lil special today and count the things that have been making me feel rather happy these days (:
1. went to queensway with dad today to get a pair of new nb shoes! eunice the noob is still very much fascinated by the number of sports shops there xD 2. dad didnt object when i asked whether i could go to church to have a look and the car didnt crash thanks goodness. 3. valerie taught me how to make my first friendship band! 4. fac outing yesterday was quite fun - click was touching, steamboat wasnt that bad though i thought the soup was a lil salty, the photo slideshow brought back some fond memories and it was fun to revert to primary school games like pepsi cola...and sevenfive won the most enthu class (: 5. been watching fruits basket and reading the manga and the series is damn nice haha and i think i wont stop unless i'm done with it 6. i've packed my table and one of the shelves so the room is much neater and pleasant to be in. and of course, i will be able to avoid the wrath of mum. 7. i've won my first chinese chess game, hahah though i still chose to deceive myself by ignoring the fact that nicholas was just being careless with some of his moves and my win can be re-categorised like tyco. 8. my cute lil cousin came to my house today and my goodness i think the tall genes run in him too, cos he's almost 1metre tall when he's only 3.
hmm i guess thats about it... =D 19:57
22 October 2006
i've spent the morning doing things that mean really nothing to me at all - like going to one temple after another. i know i have been doing it for the past 17 years but really it meant nothing to mean. i tried to understand where you were coming from, yes i can accept the fact that you guys believe in it, but it doesnt have to equate to me believing in it too. because such a long time, i still find myself unable to do it. if it wasnt for you, i would have given the black face and refuse to accompany. if it wasnt for the fact that i was avoiding your wrath, i wouldnt have bother.
if it wasnt for you;
and now i have to push back what i have been wanting to tell you guys because i really dont know where to start. because i dont want to sound as though im kidding, i want to let you know that what im thinking of doing is for real. it's not an overnight obsession and it's definitely not a cultish manner or whatsoever. i know what im doing.
but coward me, i dont dare to let you know. or rather i seriously have no idea where to start. i dont know the consequences.
courage? 14:06
19 October 2006
i seriously think the school admin has forgot to put on their thinking caps when they drafted the post promos timetable. we had a 4-hr break today and we are having lessons from 8am to 4pm with only 2 half-hour breaks tmr. thanks ah.
anyway lunch out at taka was pretty fun with the girls haha x) and me, fighting to the ultimate pig, ate half a brownie, half a cheese omelette, 1 curry puff, 1 box of takopachi, and 1 mos vanilla shake. i think i rocked, or rather my appetite rocked. hahah xD but it feels good hanging out with the class girls haha.
and i regret to say that i think i have again misunderstood someone. it's so funny when time passed, you just find yourself in more faults than ever, just when you thought you have grown, made more steps, you find yourself actually moving back because they were all wrong. im sorry to you because i didnt give myself more time to try knowing more about you; i am sorry becaused i assumed too much; i am sorry because im selfish. and really now, i dont know how much you have been hurt, you dont show it and i seriously dont feel like knowing the cold hard truth. but yet im still hearing the other side of the story and i find myself feeling sorry for you.
as for the other you, i think my head is still denying what the heart says.
the heart cannot take over, it still makes so many wrong decisions. 21:47
18 October 2006
so many things, so little time. and yet why do i feel that time has passed even more quickly now that the exams are over? and i hate to admit this, the quality of time spent doesnt impress me a lot.
eunice, you gotta start sitting down and think what you want to do so you wont be wasting your life away.
but then again, i feel like watching a movie marathon or something. FF7 advent children seemed like a complex but nice show, too bad i couldnt understand half the things that were happening. -.- seems like there's a lot of closures, but if there's no start to begin with, how do i find the end? maybe i should go borrow ff7 game from nicholas or something xD
good movies are not brainless options. heh. they are good triggers for more random thoughts.
maybe some more thinking will help; i'll confront it myself; and search for more answers; 21:30
16 October 2006
i am nursing a mummy hand at the moment and it sucked typing like that. ): the sinseh said it was supposed to be a lil sprain but i was being too smart for myself and ended up aggravating it. so now there's this patch of cooling black paste over the left hand which i believe will be going to stink by tomorrow. tsk.
mr hand, please get well soon. (:
promos and overall results almost all out, but i shall talk abt it the next time. not in the mood to, and the right hand is overworking.
we can only believe that after the storm, the rainbow will brighten up the dull sky; and it will be a better tomorrow; 20:36
15 October 2006
went for a shopping trip with val and sam in town yesterday, and seriously i can tell you i spend a hell lot of money on food. -.- which is bad considering i have to eat everyday and my pocket money is very much limited. but nonetheless, retail therapy is indeed a great thing to engage myself in and i've got my pair of slippers finally, with a whopping size of 9! ><
so what now, its back to more saving up before i go for another bout of spending spree.
but well, at this very moment, its back to the GREAT pw again. I & R is due tomorrow and mine is still non-existent yet.
what a post-promos life - and i shall see those papers again tmr. : how does it really feel when you take a step back and look at the situation as a third party? room for salvation? room for inner peace? what about the times when you feel like joining back into the crowd, just to find yourself going too far then, and the isolation is now too much to cope? it definitely takes more than a step. 09:52
13 October 2006
so today was open house, erm should say some parts of it were pretty boring, but for those parts that were not, they were actually quite fun - like the performance, some moments while manning the booth and the mass dances. but then again, the open house is quite sian, cos its the same old chinese high and nanyang people (though it feels good to see some of the juniors again) and since the ip cohort has become bigger, it probably means there's less people from other schools.
which comes to the point that i should treasure the diversity in 75 haha. we have so many people from so many different places xD like a rojak, you mix with everyone and not jus stick to old secondary school friends...
guess today was a much better day than yesterday cos it was seriously quite shit. i was feeling really pissed off at my parents and myself over dumb things like grades. okay fine, they are not dumb because they determine your future -.- i mean, there's no need for you guys to dismiss my efforts in trying to improve, i was so happy to get a D for chem and all you guys showed to me was your unhappiness about it. 3 grades aint that easy to jump afterall. :\ i do want your recognition, but it seems that i could never be good enough. sigh
maybe i should just stop any form of discussions about grades with my parents. the result slip at the end of everything will suffice. i need some space.
but my point is today is indeed much much better than yesterday. oh yeah, ultimately, im still a happy girl today (:
its not articulated; do you feel the same? 21:17
10 October 2006
im back ((: woots, and i guess these few days, i just didnt have the mood to sit down and type. either too tired, or busy with something else heh.
post exam days are kinda exciting sometimes i guess, not to mention the many hours of stoning in school. but i dont mind if we actually have mac breakfast haha!
so yep here's some updates to be chucked into the archives...
fos! so it all ended well for us, with sevenfive clinching 2nd for rowing and 4th for frisbee =p hahah must really thank yong for all the coordination and everyone's cheers and effort. the rowing was seriously a competition against time, and yeah haha for me, the adrenaline rush was a hell lot even before my turn. and then there were all the aches after that which can seriously kill. luckily its not the time of month, otherwise i can just do die from excessive pain. hahaha.
maf! maf in hwachong was quite fun i think, haha way better than those in ny. but then during the performance, especially for the 1st piece, i couldnt really hear a thing. and to make it worse, i cant see wenqi :\ then the usual bazaar and the songs and mass dances, and heh it does reminded me a bit of campfire night during orientation night xD just that i still cant dance for nuts haha. oh yes, that night's highlight was nothing but the freaking haze that had the PSI shooting up till 150 plus. totally owning! but thank goodness the air aint that bad now (:
pw/stayover then it was stayover at yong's place to do pw... hahah. was super unproductive until 5 plus in the evening, before we got ourselves stuck and gekked at the ever-so-wonderful chapter one of the wr. then it was pia-ing and a bit of freeriding here and there until about 1 plus when dear yueqi and reihorng had fallen asleep on the comfy bed! haha. and the word count was standing at 3005 whoo! (: and then the highlight again, full house! xD hahah. it's seriously a damn nice and interesting show, no wonder people like yong can actually get addicted to it. amazing.
and today it was more full house episodes at yong's place after school. hahah. i think im gonna burn my nights alr. xD
is there something that i know, yet im just fooling myself that i dont? why when i see that silhouette, its that rush of emotions? i have something to deal first, this must wait. 19:31
05 October 2006
today's fos day two and apparently things didnt go on as smoothly as yesterday, but then again cos today's teams are all the winners of yesterday haha. so of course when all the winners unite, there's bound to be winners and losers again.
so let's see, apollo won hula hoop 2nd and 4th if i didnt rmb wrongly... then it was floorball which was against 6d for the first round and we actually won! haha. to think we actually considered walkover an option, and the almost-goals were damn scary. whoops i fell once during the match but i hecked lah cos the ball was not in in the end, i was just hoping to reach out for the freaking ball and pray that my stick reaches before the ball entered the net. then match against 76 during top 8 lost, but never mind since they emerged the champions.
but then again, ankle wasnt feeling good after that cos it hurt like from some obscure spot and i finally checked it out after peering and pressing for a damn long time. rahh! the bad thing about having ankles that you had sprained before. ):
soccer lost to 6b, netball to dont-know-what-class, volleyball walkover cos not enough people to play serious. but frisbee was 3rd (: ohh but the match against 60 for semifinals didnt seem to be friendly, they kept wasting the time when it was clear they were leading. its all part of the tactics i think :\ but ah well, let's admit their skills are good, but ours are good too. haha!
there's indoor rowing tmr. omg omg omg. rahh. dont care liao, just zham. heh.
the true winners are not losers in the heart. 22:21
04 October 2006
sevenfive my love! hahah you guys really rock my world man! ((:
and we rocked, still rock and will going to rock. whee! woots. xD
who cares about the chem and bio mock skill a, but then again i got myself so pissed after the chem skill a cos i kept changing the plan and it turned out that the original one was the right one so i couldnt finish. heh.
but FOS afterwards rocked totally!! sevenfive won most of the rounds today, except girls' bball and table tennis, so thats frisbee, soccer, volleyball, hula hoop and floorball. erm, i would name the soccer match the most dramatic game of the day, you literally sit there and feel so nervous for the team, i tell you its tons more than watching world cup.. haha. sean was great starting off the game well and scoring two goals, and chris seah was great for saving the day and being our nice goalie xD and the frisbee team is damn zai too. hahah! aiya. cos sevenfive just rocks as a whole.
and oh yes, i think im damn dumb, i kept thinking that hula hoop is a girl's thing until i saw the faculty teams. wow my goodness, the guys could really just shake and keep the hoop going. its like o.O and sam and val were great, its seriously siao to shake and shake for so long, i will probably die. then again, its death caused due to excessive embarassment. haha.
today's a tiring day but a happy one. just like what shueli said this morning, it feels like first three months. maybe so, maybe not. but the days in front of us seem pretty good (: that's a good sign at least.
if that's called bliss, i dont want it to end; ever possible? 22:43
03 October 2006
promos are over ((:
hmm for some reason, i think this is the examination that i have probably mugged most for. oh maybe i did a bit more for maths last year, but then again that was when i had a really motivating teacher who didnt give up of me. okay never mind, i shall learn to seek to see the best in everyone, including mr ng. haha!
when the war is over, everything's back to the good old days.
just that this time im determined to make them better (:
and i really thank everyone who helped me one way and another during this promos period, helping me with my work and yeah or just giving great moral support. thanks all! -hugs 22:14
