i had my taste of prison break today (: one of the crazy things that i'll do in my college life. maybe one day when i look back, i'll really laugh. but that's the fun that we all will miss.

they say the busier you get, the more you treasure. and we shall see.

tonight, im running out of words. running out of thoughts. or maybe should i say my thoughts are pretty much about the same issue. weird why im bothered by it. i thought i've convinced myself not to think about it as yet when there are so many things on the plates.

apparently self-convincing didnt help much.

okay. when there's nothing to say, i should stop.
22:22


[edit]

do you know you inspire me sometimes? amazing how things work. even someone you only say "hi" to can really inspire. through words and actions. im amazed.

[/edit]

some truths hurt more than others.

and before you know it, everyone's kind of in the same boat. all our rides are bumpy and rocky, because we are all on the same sea which is equally choppy for every single one of us. i've learnt, not to focus on my own boat. can never thank You enough, the answer came timely.

there's a new interpretation of the phrase, you are not alone.

and yesterday was true refreshment after this tiring week again. (:

(though i refuse to do much work today, at least the lethargy has died off)

with syf drawing near, it's going to get tougher and tougher, but i choose to believe that we can all do it. with that passion and conviction, set our hearts all on fire.
17:45






21:25


every day, i'll end the day by praying that tomorrow will be a better day than today.

despite the lightning-filled night, somehow i can conclude im a happier girl than most of the nights recently. it feels good to have homecooked meals again. things are definitely not at their best at home, but they are improving bit by bit.

(i hope it ends soon.)

and with this, it just teaches me to treasure more what i have at the moment, because you never know what will happen tomorrow. you know, something like a bombing could have happened anytime, everything is just not within our anticipation. what im only sure is life moves on, the earth still spins.

anyway something just dawned on me during gp today. we always talk about human rights and everything, and we discuss how they have been violated in everywhere else except where we are. are our lives a bed of roses as compared to others? we worry about education while people worry about survival. and i just thought maybe what im going through now is just a trial and a test, people worry about schoolwork, in addition i worry about the situation home, in this syf period.

but i'll stay strong with You around. grant me strength. rah.

on a side note, jiayou hcco!
22:13





what tugs at my heartstrings most?

you.

(and this refers to four different individuals.)

go figure.

And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on
Just a sign that you're with me gives me the strength to hold on

sometimes, i just have to give thanks for some things. but sometimes, i just wish i am less clueless like what i am now.
19:21


just saw this really great message from bong on zhengyou's blog that will never make me look at the three words hua2 yue4 tuan2 in the same way, ever again. that connection and ganjue, i guess its high time to really open up those senses. i dont know but it seems like when you've got something right, then there will be this undescribable feeling that surges inside. and you get the 'yes, this is it" feeling. haha.

yeah. gonna be it, on the stage. 10th may. (:

anyway, life's getting hectic but who really cares (except for the sleepy part) because afterall it's something that i can enjoy, its still worth it in the end. its like a personal mental challenge and it will be such a great sense of accomplishment at the end of everything if all go well. and of course, i have to admit there may be a selfish agenda, to distract me from everything that's upsetting me. but nvm, life goes on, and its just the same cycle of emo stuff i hope.

things are improving at home, not a lot, but at least something is better than nothing. but i seriously need financial aid if this carries on :\

and by the way, i wonder how many actually noticed the nightsky as they walked out from the school middle gate. it's always star-filled (: it's been the case for just now and last night, and that kinda cheered me up a little. all these little seemingly insignificant wonders haha. and im definitely going to observe again on wednesday night.

and as for now. back to studies. the report card is back home. damned.
21:49


for once, i love the stagnation.

because stagnant means nothing much is really going on. and i find myself searching for the dying peace amidst all these. i didnt feel good during the whole process, so i've decided to stop and just let Him decide when He wants to make things work. sometimes the more i meddle with something, the further i am from where i want to be right from the start.

gonna be busy this weekend with co prac and rehearsal. but i should give thanks for the good timing, i really need something i can divert my attention to.

this is just going to be a tough period. but never mind, my birthday wish is going to come true, i'll be physically and emotionally stronger.
22:59


just when i think i have thought it through and things will change for the better, i proved myself wrong again. this morning, i told myself it will be fine. and it was fine all the way until the time to face the music draws near.

why that sudden resentment and resisting when it's time to go home? after walking valerie out, i sat at the bus stop for close to half an hour, watching the buses go by until i got tired of it. why is it that i continue to fall into the trap despite knowing it's there and i shouldnt go anywhere near?

why am i disappointed again and again? i dont ask a lot, do i? all i want is just a smile from you, oh no, all i want is for this tension to go away. yes i stand tall, yet i feel small. i need to draw strength from You, because at this point of time i really dont know what else i can do. things are not improving at all.

i dont understand. i really dont. why this? why now? why you?

that cynicism brewing inside me. i dont want a season of emo-ing. i don't want mood swings. i dont want schizophrenia. i want these few days to be erased away.
21:28


i really hope it's not a case of trying too hard. because right now, im just trying to strike a balance with all the events that had happened recently and feel at peace with it. i feel like a soldier, who goes for a war everyday, you know, you get the idea that "im gonna win the battle today" and the more you fight, the more demoralised you get if you actually realise that you are losing.

guess i lost some sense these few days, and i sincerely thank from the bottom of my heart those who tried to comfort or just listen. yeah at least that keeps me back in the track now, even though sometimes i still think things still look pretty bleak, at least i know it's going to be alright in the end. i must remember, i have that ultimate source of comfort.

and i remember what shawn said to me last time, it's okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end. so... it's not the end yet. its just some cycle, any other cycle, like the one we learn in econs, like roller coaster or whatever.

does the outcome matter as much as it used to? though i know i love you guys no less. im just... tired. but i must hang on.
21:29


so looking back after a whole day in school today, it turned out that yesterday was seriously plain wasting of time, considering i have so many things to do, many of which i have conveniently forgotten.

reaching home at 5. getting myself so upset from then onwards. distracting myself by finishing up the read on one of nicholas sparks' books. and meanwhile, having some slight food poisoning from the stupid horfun. and i slept at 11. without doing anything school related.

wow. i almost forgot im a jc2 student. yeah man, im supposed to be working my way to 5 more other distinctions at the end of the year. (: im gonna do it!

i think you are right, lethargy should not be a long-term excuse, because if i was determined enough, i would have overcome that quite some time ago. i should have realised long ago, im been cooking up more and more excuses for this and that and many more, its easier to hide and run sometimes.

what choice will i make tonight?

i looked up the nightsky just now and saw the stars. so... show me the way?
20:47


if i can sing away all those woes hidden deep in this self of mine, let me sing throughout the night. so i can wake up tomorrow to see that tinge of joy again.

when you said you understood, i dont even want to care whether you truly understand what i was talking about. because the thought that someone actually understands simply comforts.

i always say "you are not alone". its kind of weird because at times i wish someone will truly understand what im going through now. but at times its just plain cruel to see anyone go through this kind of pain.

i dont want a home i would end up classifying as hell. it's just not right.

i dont even imagine that being loved is a right, because if you say they scold because they love me, it's unreasonable love, unconditional love. some tough love.

i envy people with great relationships with their families. i really do.

and tonight im just plain tired of putting a strong front after all these. but tmr in school, keep strong. tonight, just sing.
19:04


uh oh.

i think im falling sick.

and that sucks.

damn the virus.
22:15


i figured out i should avoid crafts shops before i burn another hole in my wallet :\ i desperately need some finance supervision, i cant be spending all my money on those pretty art and craft materials. the moment at Spotlight just now was just so torturing hahaha.

anyway today was the last service that tifen's gonna be with ce2. and i think im gonna miss that girl a lot a lot. i really thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done, all the laughters and fun that you have brought to me and you will always have a friend and sister in Christ in me (: take loads of care and grow more in vj!

sometimes saying goodbye becomes hard because the seed sown has some roots already embedded in our hearts. but we'll be strong for this. take heart.

and today i was once again refreshed, once again reminded of that purpose. how funny how we forget a lot of important things as the calendar of events zoom past. and how interestingly that we remember them at the least unexpected timings. we are all in for the great pleasant surprise.

and on a side note, i'll try to keep joy by my side. it didnt turn out well this morning, but it didnt turn out bad as well. so yeah, that seemed like a good sign. keep improving, keep going. yupp.

rain down, my heart is dry but still i'm singing;
22:26


it's been a long time since i really feel so glad that it's the end of the week. for some particular reason i've been very lethargic this whole week. kept half-dozing off in class. so yeah time for some much needed rest and tomorrow is a saturday that i can look forward to (:

and haha i love being fungmin's sheep. it feels great to be able to be that open with you sometimes, really. and i thank you for the lesson on joy, so timely, it's going to be a hard task but i promise i wont give up. i will go recall how easy it once was to smile at peace, and this time round i'm going to do it again.

and on a side note, congrats to dearest sevenfive! we all got A for project work, haha all the hard work, sweat and toil under dr siva -.- but i should admit that he's really quite a good pw teacher. aiya change profession lah.

and today it was kinda interesting because there's this young couple having their wedding photo shoot in the college campus. hahah thought it was kind of sweet, probably especially when the other loved one shared the same school life. heh. ohh and you should hear the cheers and squeals when the guy kissed the girl in the middle of central plaza. so damn cool. haha.

so interesting events make school life more interesting.

and sometimes, i dont even want to say goodbye. but i cant.
20:04


eunice loves ce2 the way ce2 loves her... (:




thanks guys for the birthday surprise, affirmations and gifts... haha i guess the affirmations were really encouraging and i feel very loved to be in this caregroup with this group of great people. (: xie xie da jia. i thank the Lord for putting you guys into my life, guiding me along this wonderful journey...

everything happens for a reason? only with darkness will we treasure the light. only with sadness will we remember those smiles. and felicia's email made me tear today. no it's not hurting at all, it's way too heartwarming. i totally couldnt anticipate that.

thanks for the prayers answered. amen.
21:51


ahem allow me to rant for a while.

OH MAN. ISP IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING (quoting yong's language) GAY! and looking at the great result slip online just reminds me how many great muggers there are in hwa chong. the percentiles are just so unpleasing to the eyes. sigh.

okok. not all is bad. econs and gp are at least above the 50th percentile. and i'll leave to imagination how pathetic the rest of the subjects are.

i want to convince myself it's a race with myself. haha but i just can't convince myself to forget that ultimately it's a fight between everyone to see who wins in this whole mugging race. who gets all the freaking As for the a levels. so what now, continue pia-ing.

and meanwhile, continue thinking and not become some stupid mugger who knows nothing but reading and digesting notes. because knowing myself, i cant mug 24/7. i can't mug when im tired which probably equates to the bulk of the time. but i should try. as i've always said, verbal signs of giving up are not counted.

okay i think i've finished ranting.

anyway, i ran inter cca 4x100 relay and did javelin today. hoho. relay was quite okay, except for the damned fact that i lost the lead for second place so we settled for third. shall not think of the "i should have done" since its just a game for fun. and afterall, this is the last year in college and maybe next time i wont have the chance to take part in any sports day and do all sort of funny things. (like spamming event) oh javelin was quite okay too. i'm more convinced that i'm physically stronger now hoho. next goal will be bmi 18.0!

yawn. it's a night of lethargy again.
21:38


thrown into a much-routined life right now, i find myself constantly forcing myself to think more. i figure out despite halfway along the way, i may get myself into a whole bout of fear of thinking too much, no thinking will just make me lose my way. not now maybe, but it will be some day.

one thing for sure, i do not want it to happen very close or during the a levels period. it's too high a price to pay.

reality has slowly set in with all of block test results released this morning. i suppose i did okay, or rather better than what i've expected. but people who know me probably also know that i do not have great expectations of myself for academic work. but i dont want to be too lenient with myself. i'm trying to get upset with myself and my grades so that it can spur me on to achieve something better. but apparently it's not working. i shall see how i can find an alternative. heh.

but seriously, when it comes to grades, i still do remember how important sensitivity is. what i dont want to receive, i shall not do to others. fair enough.

spending time thinking probably equates to spending time procrastinating. that's time lost and tutorials are not done, concepts are not revised, tasks are not completed. but what i do know is, i need to think. not just about now, maybe i'll revisit some pasts occasionally and most importantly start thinking about my future. afterall there are some things that i deem mmore important than the others, not matter how practical a world i live in is.

procrastinate for no reason, maybe not. is my subconscious self screaming already?

i know i need a book now. but damned, i only have notes and tutorials now.

...
21:09


the eighteenth year. should i say it's now a milestone?

hoho, now that i'm of legal age to drink alcohol, watch m18, drive(?!). but somehow i dont feel much older from what i feel yesterday, thank goodness, i dont want to grow up so quickly. it's better and safer staying small in this complicated world.

and somehow i feel that sometimes things just work out so amazingly. maybe yesterday's pain was to remind me how much i ought to treasure every laughter brought to my face and with it, love becomes valuable. because only with love and pain, then reality that is. if anyone actually gets what i mean.

anyway many thanks to many many people for making this birthday a memorable one, though it's nothing close to elaborate celebration, but nonetheless heartwarming. (:

special thanks to o6sevenfive for the greetings, the bursting of my handphone inbox with big and small messages all of which are really heartwarming (: , and yes thanks for those blessed gifts and cards too (: oh yes, and the really nice birthday song dedication with simon on the guitar haha! i still cant believe i actually asked for it. hoho.

and of course, with the sevenfive love, thanks for the juniors' best wishes as well haha. and i still love my angel chiki and mortal honghui (: haha you people still rock.

not forgetting dearest ce2 for the birthday surprise and gift and cake haha! hcco sang me a birthday song haha! and thanks guys for the nice cake from island creamery, and of course the many many heartfelt wishes (:

plus plus many many random people who wished me personally or by sms haha. it's indeed a day of unexpectedness and i think i just feel loved.

(and yes shawn tay, you have been forgiven for forgetting my birthday haha.)

but at the very end of the day, the people that i hope so badly to remember this day did not in the end. maybe it just did not mean so much as i wanted you to think it is. never mind, i shall remember my first wish on this eighteenth year - eunice shall be a strong girl.

and lastly, happy eighteen to me.

there must be a reason for all to happen. every single thing.
21:36


how can one incident possibly spoil the whole day of fun? very possible if it hurts so badly.

why must it be you to say those hurting words again and again and again? since the day i'm old enough to understand how some things happen, i know i'm not going to view everything the same.

let my first wish for the eighteenth year be one that i would have be a stronger girl to face all these with a smile even when things get tough.

tears will not roll.

but thanks for siyun and zhuting for the day out today (: i've enjoyed myself at least for the afternoon.
22:08


i'm finally back home after a whole string of events today. okay so i'm now physically lethargic, but i probably cant sleep because there's too many things still running inside my head.

need time to chill and breathe i suppose. somehow that's probably when all the thoughts will seep slowly into the mind and take over the steering wheel. and i will think and think and think and think.

pastor jeff mentioned life transformations during the sermon today. indeed, i guess life has changed for me more or less, realistic to say not in the ultra dramatic sense, but enough to be felt and be touched. true that the situation may not have changed for the better, but i probably will be more prepared for the challenges. be a stronger girl, live a better life.

and yes, at times i do feel like sharing His love because it's real. maybe it felt real because i've felt it really, i remembered peiting told me before that she couldnt feel anything when she first went to visit a church, so i figured out perhaps what the discussion between my dad and i still hold true: it's all about personal faith. so though i would very much hope that you will come to experience that love, really i see no point in pressurising and making everyone really cynical about it. so yeah point made. (:

and i've really gotta say ce2 is really good company seriously. yay hwachong caregroup, plus tifen and fongyee. haha! dinner at chin huat seafood @ marina was fun, kenneth and tianruo can be crowned our dearest chefs (: all the blahblah laughters and yongsheng's screams whenever the oil splattered. -.- and then arcade time was total chaos. played panic park for the first time, hahaha and oh my, it's imba crap to play because it's just against brute strength hahaha. but it was damn fun i think (: then heading home with all those soft singing on the mrt xD

this group of people, new in my life, really ought to be thanked. you guys are seriously a bunch of joy to have around. and you people make me look forward to thursdays and saturdays hoho. and tifen, if you are reading this, i'll miss you very very very much if you really move to east A. ): but i'll always give thanks for having the chance to know you great girl.

on the other hand, i have some suspicions yet to be confirmed. sometimes i rather i dont know so much, or rather i dont think too much, dont read too much. heh.
23:59


i just want to spend the day remembering how Jesus died on the cross for our sins two thousand plus years ago. all of God's sacrificial love. and where i've been now since the day i accepted You into my life.

those nails so harsh, yet You chose it.

and sometimes i can really sing of your love forever.

anyway, today i was pleasantly surprised by some stuff, and they mean a lot more because they come from people who do not appear before me most of the time. but sometimes its just in the plans, those timely moments, those right people. i just have this feeling that all along i've been looking in the wrong direction, and have missed out on one of the greatests. so it does bring joy to start breathing on the right track again i suppose.

and dinner at rong guang bbq seafood tonight was torturing yet fulfiling. torturing because all dishes ordered were spicy and hot and yours truly cant stand spicy food. so that accounted for the mad rush sipping on the straw and downing two glasses of iced water. fulfiling cos the seafood was just great (: i live to eat.

oh yes. i need to gain weight. im losing more than im gaining. eeks.
21:41


have found yet another new love - rachael yamagata (:

great voice to penetrate into the silence of the room in a night like this.

s0metimes it's not that i dont want to talk about it, but how many can actually understand?

i need people who can understand, not people who will start the whole drama of pitying. i've been coping fine alone i guess, but maybe i need to talk soon.

:\

So, I will head out along and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
23:15


somehow i'm just glad it's a 4-day week because for some reason, i have been rather tired this whole week even when it has only been three days.

it feels weird because i haven't been doing much and yet i feel lethargic and as though energy is constantly depleting itself at this amazingly fast rate. slackers can still become tired. which i think perhaps is not worth it at all, because i get tired while slacking, why cant i just channel those freaking energy to getting some damned work done?

but the fact still is, i'm still continuing typing and typing and typing. those tutorials are still very far away. and my random self wants to read a good book now before heading to lalaland.

][

and sometimes i do wonder, how well i have been coping with all those stuff at home. frankly speaking, i do not have much of an idea because it resembles a never-ending war, you never see the destination, you just keep on fighting. not in the literal sense of course, but probably continuing to try finding what i've been finding. (though i would like to convince myself that's sheer stubbornness) i probably will not know why i still hold on, press on. reasons i try giving myself are that i have not grown and experienced enough to see where you were coming from, and that for the simplest reasons, God wouldn't have made you my family for no apparent reason.

i only know what im sure of right now is that, what you are doing to me now, i will not reciprocate. you taught how to treat people really, now i know what hurts.

thank you.
22:14


some love just cannot be replaced. somehow something is just etched in the deepest corners of your memories, waiting for all opportunities to resurface, to drown the mind with the love again.

nyco. gwh'o7, you guys proved it once again. but really, though the honours was a great title, what touched me the most was the unity, and the music that you guys have it greatly defined as nyco's music.

juniors, i'm very very proud of you guys, especially my dearest cellobass juniors. you guys have grown so much when the time i left ny, and really sometimes i lament that i couldnt help you much then, but thank goodness you guys were in good hands and of course all those diligence. and with love, yeah good job today. (:

you know, tonight, i really miss nyco. and what makes it sadder is that i know a few more years down i won't know anyone anymore, probably except dearest miss chek, and like what's left that made the seniors like natalie, yileng and blahblah come back this afternoon is probably what's remaining of the nyco love.

then sooner or later, you just know at a point of time, the grip to the past will have to go.

ah wells. aint that easy dont u think. afterall, it's where i first belonged, and still belong.
21:28


my back hurts like crazy now ): didnt help that i've been sleeping for the past hour, not to mention in that awkward position. rah. and i'm pleasantly surprised by US's council election gimmick - a bright yellow cushion from ikea, because it totally saved me during maths tutorial.

and today, i have this very strong feeling that i am in self-denial. i feel poisoned, the kind you know that will eat you up slowly and much without your knowledge. because i can feel myself falling into the trap, and the worst thing is i don't want to wake up from this nightmare. i don't understand, so weird.

again and again as i have emphasised, the human mind is complicated. maybe physical pain aggravated it unfortunately haha.

anyway, juniors are going for syf tmr afternoon. go juniors! (: this reminds me, i went back on saturday before co prac for my overdue visit and i would say you guys are in good hands, take pride and all the best. and i realise mrs ee still inspires after so long. i miss her like crap, i bet two years back then i wouldnt have even realised that.

so tmr, with spirit and love, play the music that we have grown to be so accustomed to. the nyco music.

(:
16:04


it's been a rollercoaster ride throughout this whole week - all the ups and the downs, bumpy and smooth. haha glad to know i still feel human, all those freaking emotions, though i silently pray that it wasnt so emotionally taxing for post blocks. but never mind, the Almighty is around watching over me all the time, with me realising it or not.

glad i made it down in time for worship during service on sat, cos really Lord I'm amazed by You.

and of course special thanks to those special people (: sometimes it just feels as though the sheer presence is enough to chase the dark clouds away. and sometimes i still wonder whether you actually know about it. hahaha. oh wells.

anyway i ought to be glad that nothing big screwed up for stj yesterday, and thanks to kityeng, yuting and yingchern's recommendation to that place right from the start, cos the food is seriously not bad. and woots the absence of service charge saves me all the freaking trouble of counting the crazy money. xD and i really appreciated the chockies gang to actually compile their share of money with exact change on their own accord. hahahah! so yeah stj 07 - mission accomplished haha. (:

but however on a not-so-happy note, i hurt my damned back. gah. and it hurts. and i have no idea how school's gonna be like with a pained back. hahaha. shall see how first.

with such bittersweetness, who's the key with?
21:18

eunice
eighteen
hope
hwachong
06s75
hcco
1 corinthians 16:14




06s75
hwachong cg

abigail
caina
cheegake
claire
clarence
cutcake
felicia
fungmin
huiying
jiexun
jonathan
marcus
nicholas
peiting
samantha
samuel
seokhui
shawn
simon
siyun
sophia
sutyee
terry
tifen
tracy
valerie
wahtoon
xiangyu
yueqi
yvonne
zelanie
zhengyou


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