all the moments that already passed; we'll try to go back and make them last; all of the things we want each other to be; we never will be;
there's no point turning back. why cant the damn mind just stop rewinding those tapes of the past? i really thank those who tried to help, but i just hate myself for that stubbornness, for that heart that just wouldnt be strong enough to withstand whatever i'm feeling now.
im not feeling myself recently. i've tried distracting myself. i've tried putting aside whatever im feeling, but at the end of the day, they all came back. and everything's back to square one, cos all the problems and tangles, i've solved none. time really heals nothing really i think, only experiences and realisations can. so i havent experienced enough, i havent realised enough. i cant find the answers yet.
to you, after all this while, im still denying. even sometimes when i say when things happen, just let them happen, let nature take its course, but this time, im scared of the consequences. im afraid of what is to come, just take it that im not brave enough to face myself then.
as to you, since you were gone, you really took a part of me with you. really, sometimes i really think you are probably irreplacable, locked in my memories and i just want to relive the days when you were around. maybe those were the best times of my childhood, you gave me something i can consider defining as childhood. i really rather choose to believe that you will be happy in wherever you are, happier than me i hope. and in the meantime, i'll try to put a period to all these, and try to get along better with mom. the thought of me treating you as a substitute all along is unfair, way too unfair for everybody.
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i still want to believe that tomorrow is going to be a better day.
otherwise its way too tiring.
things ought to happen because there is a reason.
and may i find those reasons and answers soon. 19:47
