in just a few more hours, everything is supposedly going to have a brand new start and all we are left to do is to see everything unfold. well, let's see how it's gonna turn out.
silent resolutions this time round;
building everything on this web of relationships, once again. i'll do whatever that matters to me in the end. take me somewhere this time round, anywhere in fact except square one. and i really hope things will be great for you.
happy new year; happy 2007. (hopefully) 22:10
30 December 2006
less than 36 hours to the new year;
363 full days have passed as of 2006, i should say i've been through quite a bit this year. perhaps i have a lot of say, in fact i do have a lot of thoughts running in my head now, but guess what. im very tempted to just close this window and forget about it. because i dont know how to start and seriously, wrapping up stuff pains sometimes.
some things are still at the beginning and there's a long way to continue walking. some are in the middle, at times i will probably make a wrong turn (or many wrong turns), move back and stop and cry for a bit, continue walking to see the sun or maybe unfortunately more rainy days. but these i'll still have to continue, though i must say letting go is an art i haven't yet mastered. some stuff are ending, and parting hurts. they say we can all wish for a happy ending if they fortunately exist, but what if i dont want them to end. i dont even want an ending.
i have no idea when im going to stop rambling. unless i clear these out, i think im going to waste the night away. call it pre-new year blues. i have them every year, without fail.
let's see.
2006 was a year of new academic experience for me, being in hc, it's like back to co-ed school after 4 years in nanyang. school culture's quite different i suppose, but this kind of thing you just cant help it but learn to adapt. school days with guys around arent very much different, except that you no longer do all the weird funny stuff you do in sec school. i still remember how awkward it was sitting cross-legged for the first time in the new college skirt haha =p but i think im blessed cos the guys i know are still rather gentlemanly i should say heh.
o6sevenfive; really you people are my loves! maybe bad experiences in the past made me treasure you guys more, you gave me really much more than i expected. (: you know, i call it a gift and you are probably a great reason why i think i will miss college life real badly next time. too bad the year passed on too quickly. you say, to cherish, how easily said than done. but sometimes i also wonder so as time passes, we tend to stick closer to people we are more comfortable with, will that ever compromise the bonds? then again, can we actually help it? nonetheless, what i can be sure of is, without you guys, 2006 would be way different. to some extent, you people actually made me happier, im quite sure i smiled more in class this time round. from the bottom of my heart, i really really thank every one of you.
hcco; another gift, probably much belated. i still remember at the beginning, it was a cultural shock to me and the passion that i thought i once had wavered quite a bit. questioned myself a lot, but i found almost no answer. i thank the few of you, maybe you haven't realised but thanks for keeping everything going then. then the change from post-promos days, it's like suddenly i know a lot more people from cca. and the next thing i know, im looking forward to practices, to seeing those familar faces.
so school-wise everything turned out pretty fine. but other than that, this year had proved challenging to cope.
something called family never fails to bug me, year in and year out. i really wonder whether it's because everyone's busy thats why we never cared to make that extra step to care. we probably see closed doors more often than each other's faces. stop the one-way road, will you? as much as i understand you have your down moments, i hope you can take the chance to know mine too. right, maybe i wont say it when im feeling sad or whatsoever, but there are really days when i cant take those words down. maybe im just too selfish. maybe i should just listen more.
which brings me to the next point. this year, the angst is probably much gone. i guess i've learnt to take a little more things at my own stride. adopted a more laidback attitude? i have no idea, perhaps yes. hope it doesnt do much harm. but yet again and again, sensitivity hurts. (ironically) i end up feeling more than what i want to. feeling more for me, and more for you. and allows everything to affect me in the end. damn.
a couple of relationships resolved though much to my surprise. especially the one when i thought it was way over then last year. it was all so easy, we are just waiting for each other to truly say what we feel, but i was so stubborn last year to not do so. refusing to take the first step to apologise until this year, and its been such a long time since you smiled like that in front of me. foolish acts, but great lessons.
and of course understanding that sometimes i just need to just open up that bit more to know that care and concern are just nearby. in the past, i probably kept everything to myself, stuff if you dont ask i will never say and even if you ask, i might not say as well. too burdened i suppose. i wanted a true new beginning at the start of this year, im proud to say i've tried. because the outcome was a pleasant surprise, even when at times i still couldnt bear to share.
and i think i've experienced that bittersweet feeling. (though it was not meant to be)
and trying to get over that one death that i couldnt for years. im still trying hard. it's a fight i hope i'll win in the end, even when the dreams are heartwrenching. you meant too much, especially when things arent going too smoothly.
but 2006 doesnt end like that. the greatest thing for all is experiencing Your love. cynical i may be to such stuff in the past, i could not believe until i really experienced it. the day You moved me, was the day i promised that i'll commit myself in loving You. during service today, i prayed that You'll be there to guide me along in the challenges there to come in the coming 2007.
who says 2007's gonna be easy? it could well be more challenging than what i've experienced so far. im still feeling the blues, but let me believe You have the plan, alright?
in my prayers, you'll be remembered.
黑暗中期待光线 生命有一种绝对 等待我 请等待我 直到约定融化成笑颜 直到我看见生命的绝对
19:53
29 December 2006
the night feels long.
with the bouts of anxiety initially, and then the total relief. it's like when you muster a lot of courage to do something, and you hope for the best for it (with the consequences of failing nagging you so badly at the back of the mind) you yearn for the best, you dread the worst. but if things work out, you can go grinning like crazy for one whole night.
had a nice talk with dad. i would never imagined that i would be able to do that really, cos frankly speaking i've never done so. if something scares me, chatting like that with my family members does freak me out. afterall, its not a family that shares everything. : a little step at a time.
prayers answered, i thank You. (:
2 days to a brand new year, what's gonna end it this time round? 22:12
28 December 2006
my first cg today at tracee's place;
i should say its a very refreshing experience, and there's gotta be a lot a lot a lot of stuff that im going to learn, it's going to a long journey. watched 'passion of the christ' and the brutal scenes pained. He bore all our sins and died for us on the cross.
and i really wanna learn to love You the way You love us.
now that i took that step of faith, at times the fear for parental objection still nags me badly. i wanna let them know, i want to let them know that it's a personal decision on where my faith lies. but maybe at this point, im just too scared, not enough courage mustered. it's exactly i know the consequences thats why the fear. but not letting you guys know about it, is definitely not a long-term option. my instinct tells me it's a bursting bubble.
it's as though hopes are raised, and could be crushed anytime.
what are the odds?
but at least, i guess talking to fungmin and raphael just now helped a bit.
[[ You and your plans. 23:13
26 December 2006
christmas's over with a rainy boxing day. it hasnt quite stopped raining since morning till now, and the pavement's flooded once again. and rainy days are great for snuggling in bed with a good book plus piping hot food once in a while (:
teatime snack today was great. hot takopachi and a warm cup of soya bean milk! never imagined that food can make me so happy, especially when the rain can make things seem a bit gloomy.
anyway think im blessed to receive tons of christmas cards this year (: three more just came in today, and i suppose there shouldnt be anymore stuck in the rain, swimming around in the water. xD
caina with your card that brightened up my not-so-happy afternoon; shawn with your cute chickens but interesting handwriting; samantha with the snowmans and, dont ever call me miss fish again zzz. ; weiwen who still remembered me! ; ivan, hahaha you wrote your card at hk airport xD thanks thanks; fungmin with your ever-encouraging words once again (: ; jiangchuan my 961 partner gave me the longest xmas card i've ever seen; xiaohong with your pretty handmade card, really appreciate the effort; robert, aint i honoured to see you write chinese and eun became my nick -.- ; and stella, my captain! haha. with the cute cats on the design!;
it's not about a card. its the thought. and im glad i received so many blessings from everyone. (:
btw, happy birthday sam and claire! 22:04
25 December 2006
christmas is finally christmas after seventeen years. (: and i would say this Christmas is especially meaningful to me, with knowing You as the first and of course another dozen reasons which would be hard to type out.
christmas greetings pour in on this very night, and it's very heartwarming to see messages from some people whom i havent been in contact recently. it's like on this very day, everyone is brought closer. (let's not think about the next day when no other form of communication continues heh. you get what i mean.)
and on a random note, i still yearn for the day when i'll have a white christmas. heh imagine a huge white christmas tree with a shiny blue star at the top. white and pretty, nice and dreamy. xD
but still nonetheless, on this festive day, you'll be remembered.
and merry christmas'o6!
[btw, i cant believe that i was clearing up my room, even during the last minutes of christmas eve. how interesting.] 00:11
23 December 2006
accepted Christ during service today. i had been contemplating about it all along, you know that kind of feeling you think you know but you are not sure heh. words said just stirred in me so much, some touched me, and i have really no idea why at some point of time i just felt like crying, and cried. so it's been a great decision, and for the first time an action like raising my hand requires so much courage.
im not fooling around. i know im gonna face some big obstacles like parent stuff and yadayada, but i think i'll be ready for it. this new relationship can be my anchor i hope.
afterall, it's a new beginning. a new start. a new me. 22:27
22 December 2006
i hope for the best.
for you.
when the sun wakes up, we would have realised that the world has spun around. dont wait for the sun, light a candle instead.
finally my internet explorer doesnt fail me halfway while loading the page (:
anyway its supposedly co training camp today, then in the end there's free and easy stuff haha not bad eh. juniors came for fenzu as usual, and haha didnt realise enhao is a sec three until lionel told me just now xD interesting juniors. first there's the mix-up in terms of names, and now i mixed up the levels too. great.
oh then it was dinner at macs @ kap just now, and it feels weird cos its eating macs twice within 3 days and considering i only eat filet-o-fish meals -.- yes, im supposed to blog about the student meal incident. i was dumb enough to tell the macs guy that i dont want student meal, when it's going to be cheaper than a normal meal even if i upsize. and samuel and qiquan were nice enough to laugh and place me into the co ranking for blurness.
anw, saw the co ppl do the weffriddles after prac today, took a look, tried a bit and doh its quite addictive really. but wrong time to get addicted now. pia-ed from level 1 to 21 tonight, but stopped at the level that happened to say 'noob'. wth. dont tell me its fated.
you will never believe how shocked i was at myself; when the unobvious becomes obvious; 23:04
17 December 2006
im finally done with the many christmas cards ((: heh i think it's quite fun actually to write all those cards, thank goodness i've decided to start earlier so it wont be really rushed. but i still havent got my stamps yet -.- (yes i havent got them despite wanting to do so for a week or more already) rahhh, get going.
anyway today brings quite a number of little interesting surprises haha! like the really cooling weather the entire day cos it rained so much but it made my room much more comfortable than it usually is. then the long phone call with sam which makes me look fwd to school cos i wanna see everyone again. the random shopping trip today and i managed to get something for myself (: and then just not long ago, fungmin just sent a very encouraging sms, thanks girl =D
oh wells. so maybe we are just going to be on this rollercoaster that's constantly going up and coming down. what goes up must come down. what comes down must go back and embrace the sky again. and what we need to learn is to not to lose ourselves in the thrills and disappointments.
sometimes it feels as though i know what's going on. but your head is not thinking straight, everything turns out wrong. back to the track tag replies!
Doomed FREAKZ: i like the idea of "meant to be", hahaha it wont be that miserable than to want to have a reason all the time. haha thanks. (: woah sensible words eh!
suee: yeah thanks girl -hugs! haha! you jiayou too k! 21:11
15 December 2006
the days are passing this fast, and there's not much time to feel all sad over the neverending mood swings. it feels dumb now when i think about it, no wonder half the time when i reread my blog entries, i spend the rest of the time laughing at myself.
i just give thanks to those who tried to help, but this kind of things, i have to do it myself. if someone doesnt want to leave the dream, no amount of threat or whatsoever will help. but no, i will not try and do something funny. not worth it, just not worth it.
and now im kind of voiceless with a throat that hurts like crap even when im not speaking. (oh well, for once my voice's not quite squeaky -.- ) and maybe i should go get something for my two tutees since today's the last day of peer tutoring (: and hopefully they will pass their re-exam on the 28th!
this is totally random, but caina if you are reading this, you totally made my day yesterday (: -hugs. 10:05
13 December 2006
usually, i believe everything happens for a reason.
but sometimes, i couldnt find the reason for some things that are happening. especially things that upset. things i question, yet i dont get any answers or response.
and then again, do mood swings happen for a reason? sounds ridiculous i think. but it's getting tough to hide them, and it's getting increasingly difficult to pack up my feelings at the end of the day and tell myself that tomorrow's a new start, a better day. i feel as though im lying to myself, as the day unfolds. the fluctuation of moods can kill.
dont ask me anything. i dont even know why im feeling this way. it's not the first day, there gotta be some end to it. damn.
and i miss you more during days like that. just that you are there no more.
no answers, no response, but i refuse to believe; You will have a plan; and sing to me of the plans that you have for me again; 22:09
12 December 2006
school work is progressing well, finally. at least it's late than never, but it's just such a pity the holidays and the year are going to end soon. it's been a pretty year. (:
but i think it's only right to start feeling jittery when i think of bio and maths. two pieces of crap that never fail to blow my head off. dang. -.- and my own ignorance irritates when i realise i have no idea what to write for the AQs on politics.
sigh.
eunice!!! you just gotta move your ass and work harder!!!
a dream that i could remember; when i woke up, i was both happy and sad;
bittersweet. 18:25
11 December 2006
sometimes in a crowd, i yearn for solitude.
sometimes when im all alone, loneliness sets in and all i want is some company. even till the extent that if that person is there, not talking just stoning. at least at the end of the day, there's someone with you.
but then again sometimes i dont mind being together with everyone, because of the fun and everything.
and sometimes i wont mind being alone, because on certain days im alone, but not yet alone either.
but today i realised something, every single day i open the door, all i hope for is some proper interaction. not to say home is like prison, but the homely feeling doesnt seem to be there anymore.
it's all behind closed doors.
i wonder who invented those doors. 18:03
09 December 2006
had primary school class gathering on thursday evening at joyee's place (:
it's been great catching up with so many people, especially those i have not seen like in ages. haha! though times have changed, faces have changed and yadayada, what i thought that didnt quite change was the tinge of familiarity i see in everyone. there's afterall something in everyone that i can still relate to (:
i mean after knowing each other for seven to eight years, at the end of it, we can still laugh at each other now, laugh at how we laughed at each other then, remember all the foolish and silly things that we had done together, the important things, the not-so-important things, and of course those not worth remembering but yet we still remember. thanks joyee for all those albums of class photos, most of them pretty candid haha! they kind of brought back tons of funny memories and of course the spot-zuanling-in-the-classphoto and the where-is-yanming-looking-at in the p5 photo. xD
so it was food bingeing accompanied with all the catching up, some games of blackjack and then zhongjimima plus a couple of prank calls as forfeit.
but at the end of the thing, it's the people we are with that matter.
i thank God for giving me such a nice bunch of people to hang out with when im still kinda young and that the friendships are still going on even after years of different life. and i pray that in the years to come, all these will not end as yet. haha.
6a1' o1 (:
to compensate the fact we didnt have a photo taken in the end to mark that evening, names will do. joyee, josephine, minqi, zuanling, yongkeong, lionel, yanming, yanhao, jianming, yuntong, youwei, kanwei, soonyang and me <3> 12:17
06 December 2006
i screwed up during dazu.
total freaked out.
):
sucked. 21:43
05 December 2006
i woke up today, all worried about school work for no reason.
i checked my inbox and saw chris seah's email and realised there's only 26 days more before treading to school every day. and i worried more.
i looked at the pile of school work i have left and came to the conclusion that i need to restudy a lot of things. and i worried again.
dang this is getting nowhere. damn crap.
book review 14:05
04 December 2006
went to the class blog just now and i was immediately greeted by this really old handwritten MSN convo we had during the orientation period (: it just brought a smile to my face haha. all the silly things we do together, ... and remember together.
anyway, co today looked a bit amusing cos there's a grand total of 15 people in LT3 including weilaoshi. xiao dazu. xD and pooi pooi pooi, eunice should not slack and must practise hard! zzz.
really, i shouldnt be drawing up any more excuses for myself for anything, because they are not going to help a bit if i do regret in the future. im very much reminded of the dashmovie i've watched before, and i really ought to start changing, before i waste away the precious dash i have. im not even thinking about making a difference, i just dont want to waste my life away when time passes at such an astonishing rate that i think i dont have much time to scream.
and i want to read more. go library tmr to borrow books! (:
and most random of all, before more seconds tick by, goodnight world! 22:34
03 December 2006
i think i have come to the conclusion that i most probably wont do a post on the 2 chalets already. it's just like the idea of not doing something because the time to do it is over. there are some things, when they are over, i try not to dwell upon them and just move on. afterall it will be a feat if i can move on, so i better seize the chance while i still can.
to keep things simple, i have enjoyed myself during the course of those 2 chalets. very different, but both bring out the fun or the undescribable bond or even the hard-to-forget incidents nonetheless. sevenfive, co (:
but i was just shocked at myself for some of the emotions i was feeling then. for some i was proud of, and of course for some im guilty of. im sorry for thinking that you were childish then, maybe i just failed to look at stuffs from the other perspective. we all have different ways of handling things, and i'll just have to learn to respect your way.
which brings me to another point, i made mum angry again. ): really, i made a damn wrong move by rebutting once and there i triggered it. i should just try to engage in some sort of anger management, because afterall if one party relents, nothing bad should come out of it. it always takes two hands to clap. gah, mood swings aren't good reasons to be a bad daughter for the day.
it really doesn't harm to give in seriously.
... 22:44
02 December 2006
i shall wait till a lil while more before i blog about class and hcco chalet. dont seem to be in the right mood yet heh.
the room is kind of silent except for the whirling fan. just saw a video clip and i thought of you. during nights like this, i wonder how you are doing. (i dont care what others say about you not being able to do anything anymore) after 5 and a half years, i finally realise you are probably going to be happy all along if i believe you are. i thank God, it's late but at least i finally realised it.
