363 full days have passed as of 2006, i should say i've been through quite a bit this year. perhaps i have a lot of say, in fact i do have a lot of thoughts running in my head now, but guess what. im very tempted to just close this window and forget about it. because i dont know how to start and seriously, wrapping up stuff pains sometimes.
some things are still at the beginning and there's a long way to continue walking. some are in the middle, at times i will probably make a wrong turn (or many wrong turns), move back and stop and cry for a bit, continue walking to see the sun or maybe unfortunately more rainy days. but these i'll still have to continue, though i must say letting go is an art i haven't yet mastered. some stuff are ending, and parting hurts. they say we can all wish for a happy ending if they fortunately exist, but what if i dont want them to end. i dont even want an ending.
i have no idea when im going to stop rambling. unless i clear these out, i think im going to waste the night away. call it pre-new year blues. i have them every year, without fail.
let's see.
2006 was a year of new academic experience for me, being in hc, it's like back to co-ed school after 4 years in nanyang. school culture's quite different i suppose, but this kind of thing you just cant help it but learn to adapt. school days with guys around arent very much different, except that you no longer do all the weird funny stuff you do in sec school. i still remember how awkward it was sitting cross-legged for the first time in the new college skirt haha =p but i think im blessed cos the guys i know are still rather gentlemanly i should say heh.
o6sevenfive; really you people are my loves! maybe bad experiences in the past made me treasure you guys more, you gave me really much more than i expected. (: you know, i call it a gift and you are probably a great reason why i think i will miss college life real badly next time. too bad the year passed on too quickly. you say, to cherish, how easily said than done. but sometimes i also wonder so as time passes, we tend to stick closer to people we are more comfortable with, will that ever compromise the bonds? then again, can we actually help it? nonetheless, what i can be sure of is, without you guys, 2006 would be way different. to some extent, you people actually made me happier, im quite sure i smiled more in class this time round. from the bottom of my heart, i really really thank every one of you.
hcco; another gift, probably much belated. i still remember at the beginning, it was a cultural shock to me and the passion that i thought i once had wavered quite a bit. questioned myself a lot, but i found almost no answer. i thank the few of you, maybe you haven't realised but thanks for keeping everything going then. then the change from post-promos days, it's like suddenly i know a lot more people from cca. and the next thing i know, im looking forward to practices, to seeing those familar faces.
so school-wise everything turned out pretty fine. but other than that, this year had proved challenging to cope.
something called family never fails to bug me, year in and year out. i really wonder whether it's because everyone's busy thats why we never cared to make that extra step to care. we probably see closed doors more often than each other's faces. stop the one-way road, will you? as much as i understand you have your down moments, i hope you can take the chance to know mine too. right, maybe i wont say it when im feeling sad or whatsoever, but there are really days when i cant take those words down. maybe im just too selfish. maybe i should just listen more.
which brings me to the next point. this year, the angst is probably much gone. i guess i've learnt to take a little more things at my own stride. adopted a more laidback attitude? i have no idea, perhaps yes. hope it doesnt do much harm. but yet again and again, sensitivity hurts. (ironically) i end up feeling more than what i want to. feeling more for me, and more for you. and allows everything to affect me in the end. damn.
a couple of relationships resolved though much to my surprise. especially the one when i thought it was way over then last year. it was all so easy, we are just waiting for each other to truly say what we feel, but i was so stubborn last year to not do so. refusing to take the first step to apologise until this year, and its been such a long time since you smiled like that in front of me. foolish acts, but great lessons.
and of course understanding that sometimes i just need to just open up that bit more to know that care and concern are just nearby. in the past, i probably kept everything to myself, stuff if you dont ask i will never say and even if you ask, i might not say as well. too burdened i suppose. i wanted a true new beginning at the start of this year, im proud to say i've tried. because the outcome was a pleasant surprise, even when at times i still couldnt bear to share.
and i think i've experienced that bittersweet feeling. (though it was not meant to be)
and trying to get over that one death that i couldnt for years. im still trying hard. it's a fight i hope i'll win in the end, even when the dreams are heartwrenching. you meant too much, especially when things arent going too smoothly.
but 2006 doesnt end like that. the greatest thing for all is experiencing Your love. cynical i may be to such stuff in the past, i could not believe until i really experienced it. the day You moved me, was the day i promised that i'll commit myself in loving You. during service today, i prayed that You'll be there to guide me along in the challenges there to come in the coming 2007.
who says 2007's gonna be easy? it could well be more challenging than what i've experienced so far. im still feeling the blues, but let me believe You have the plan, alright?
