want to believe that it's the rollercoaster phenomenon again, so that these down periods will be momentary. im not expecting a smile-24hr campaign or something, just you know, more smiles than frowns kind of thing.
it's only midweek and it's so freaking tired. think i need a lot of strength right now, physically and emotionally. the mind is rather weak at the moment and im so ready to go into standby mode. heh.
went for the moe discussion thingy today, there because i cant do physics, because i'm not taking physics now. really, if it's plain disinterest, there's seriously nothing much the government can do. i thought they should go do a discussion on ip instead, that one needs more attention heh. it felt damn weird to be the only one from hwachong, when there's at least two from the other jcs. and really, not doing well does not always equate to not getting a1. -.- and when discussion is informal, you will just be surprised how hwachong is badly misunderstood out there. but then again, i suppose no one there knew i was from the ip stream, and i didnt get into hc cos im a 6-pointer and i got a1 for physics. sigh.
but then on the train ride home, it's a revisit down the memory lane once again.
saw where i used to live and the places that you brought me with my eyes, and i continued seeing those days in my mind. i really thank you for completing my childhood, though it's a pity you cant walk on with me anymore. though at times like these, when things at home arent going well, the absence is harder to bear indeed. and no one at home knows about this. when the old stages are revisited, and the scenes are not playing anymore, teach me how to stop the tears.
i've learnt for so many years. still trying hard.
no one can replace someone else. it's wrong from the start to regard you as a substitute, but in the end, i realise no one can replace you as well.
][
but last night, it was a blessing to have you guys to chat with. it was frightening at my side. 19:24
30 January 2007
you know i feel as though im living two different ways at times.
just admit it, both of us are very different individuals with very different opinions. but since the game started we all have to follow the rules and we are counterparts all the way. sometimes i just wish you would give me the clear definition of what you think is right and wrong, so i would not have to guess and prevent myself from making so many unnecessary wrong steps. cos at this point of time, what you think is right, is way too wrong for me.
im like blindfolded in this game of yours. i dont know where im supposed to go, what im supposed to do so that in the end we will both be happy and rejoice.
i tried so hard and nothing is reciprocated. the last thing i want is to be snapped back at like that.
][
don't get me wrong, school has been great really. academically a little stressful i agree, but i guess im handling them more at ease now thankfully. verbal signs of giving up are not counted. afterall they are really not the main sources of lethargy.
and surprisingly i loved the lunch today, all the brainteasers, all the laughters (: and my angel identity exposed, and singapore's really small cos my mortal actually lives somewhere near me. woah.
][
i think i know why i treasure little details so much already. because they bring the most unexpected joy on days like these. 20:52
28 January 2007
i can't believe i was so shortsighted. so caught up with something so small, forgetting about the ultimate destination.
ashamed of it in fact.
but thanks for the reminder that just came in time.
lead it. dont let it lead me. (: dont lose it.
jiayou jiayou. 21:05
27 January 2007
comfort found, at the most easily forgotten place, at the least expected timings.
it's You in the end, and that's the reason why i chose to follow after You.
so i'll move on while i still can.
][
the weekend feels tough and i seek strength in You.
romans 8:28 15:29
26 January 2007
i was disappointed today.
all those so-called true promises. the determination, how many obstacles can they actually overcome?
getting tired of those empty promises. getting tired over those times when the heart struggles back to normal just to receive another blow. so one day i decided that i shall not make promises that easily. i dont want anyone to feel that same old disappointment. it may mean nothing to you, but you never know how much it meant to me.
it's your promise that you broke. and i think i have to start convincing myself all over again. thanks for the good job. i rather leave them all unpromised.
but once again, i remember her. and how she taught me to keep promises.
i didnt say i wont keep promises, i just wont promise. those promised, i promise. 22:54
25 January 2007
so the sun shone today, even when the weather was cold all along. at least, what i can be grateful for was an improvement in my mood when i woke up this morning. even when there's one lil incident that irritated me for a short while, the day still went surprisingly well (:
were You smiling down at me today?
and i was glad that i went for cg today in the end, cos i thought the lesson given was so relevant. He loves us for who we are and cares for the lost.
anyway fac dance session this afternoon was awesome seriously, havent been doing this kind of things after school probably since the start of the year. it's enjoyment. it's reliving old days. and the dance is tons harder than what we learnt last yr and doing it is equivalent to doing a great workout. hehs xD but sevenfive! sevenfive! haha.
close to the end of the week. though the body gets increasingly tired, the mind wanders off much easily, the hecticness will always seem to die down. it's finally time to breathe. 22:31
24 January 2007
just because i don't like winning and losing i'm not going into the ring forfeiting the game itself;
there's tons of reasons why i love watching hachikuro, i loved that kind of reality amidst the fictitious.
i cant live in a world of truths, i need some lies to keep me going. so if you are lying to me, unless i ask, dont tell me. or you can trick me with a chocolate bar. i cannot imagine facing the cold hard truth every single day, 24/7. so im not going into the ring, i rather be deceived.
anyway, i want to break those walls, but i cant seem to do so cos it's so freaking hard. i need Your guidance.
:\
tiredd. 23:01
23 January 2007
i have a craving for vanilla ice cream with chocolate topping now! rahhh. weird why i want to eat this now, maybe im just tired so i start to imagine things.
but anyway i was quite irritated after school today cos i waited for a grand total of 2.5 hours in school for the uncle who was supposed to bring the jacket samples to school. all for nothing. in the end, he pangsehed me and changed it to thurs. -.- hur! and the least he ought to do is to call me back and tell me that he was not going, not wait for me to call at 6! what the heck what the heck. okok. shouldnt get angry over such trivial things, it must be a test to train my patience, man.
you know, sometimes i wonder whether j2 life is like that, everything is as per normal during lesson time, but after school after seeing ppl going for h3 and yadayada, you start to realise that the entire world is mugging hard and the nagging of As' starts again. i really miss those days when we can just forget the time and crap till the end of the world. exam-driven education can drive us mad seriously.
time doesnt wait. so yet i still wait, for that one day that the miracle will happen. 22:02
21 January 2007
really, im not always that moody. but however it may seem that blog entries nowadays kind of stopped depicting some naturally fun elements that's happening now and then. i just had a random thought just now, so i thought of typing it down and see how amusing it will sound months or years later.
no doubt i give thanks to whatever happiness and comfort i experience in my life, but sometimes, just sometimes all the rubbish crap and unhappiness and whatsoever made everything seem like a joke. because we cannot predict what's going to happen in the next minute. we cant even predict our own mood swings, not to say others' mood swings. and everytime i say i had enough, i failed to predict more episodes are coming.
since the year has started, work has piled up like never before. as usual, i never treasure enough until i've lost something, in this case the freedom and free time in year one. procrastination is still there i guess, but the feeling is just never the same anymore. grades just happen to nag more than they used to do last time. and i dont like it at all.
take it or leave it. leave it and i'll die.
but anyway on a lighter note, yong's birthday celebration yesterday was not bad i guess. just that the fact that i wished it didnt rain at all. haha oh wells. and borat's funny, but damn damn sick. zzz.
okay i suppose it's enough rambling for the weekend. gotta go mug chem. 12:03
19 January 2007
still not feeling really great today, think it's something like a flu. my nose cant stop running ): oh wells. so yeah so i was feeling quite miserable and tired the whole day and productivity was really really low. sigh.
but today i was also reminded of what i've been stopping myself to think of. the sense of uncertainty, that bout of anxiety, i wonder why sometimes my mind works in such weird manners. heh. half the time, i'm trying so hard to convince myself let nature take its own course, when something's going to happen, it will happen. when it's not, it's not. but sometimes im just scared of what is to come, what if the outcome is what i have been dreading all along.
it's a cause-effect thing unfortunately. it's too late to start regretting now.
how many tomorrows do we actually have to waste? none in fact.
sigh.
with Your help, i need to break those walls. but is it that im building those walls faster than i can tear them down?
rahhh. 19:49
17 January 2007
third week into the new year and it's really saddening to fall sick so soon. my voice was almost all gone since this morning, with some fortunate periods of time when the voice recovered quite a bit. so yeah, the usual squeaky high-pitched irritating voice went down till really low but it's still pretty irritating -.-
now the throat just feels so sore. and according to the doc, there's a freaking throat inflammation. ): and the last time i know, i have one more ulcer counting on my gum.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon. get well soon.
if only miraculous things can happen
with You, possible? (: 18:51
15 January 2007
there are some things i treasure a lot.
especially the little moments that we all dont care sometimes because they are too trivial. but at the end of the day when everyone else remember the big hooha events, thats exactly what makes mundane stuff special.
but tell you what, i still treasure my sleep the most. (:
i cant operate at all when im losing my sleep. i'll lose myself sooner or later, while transforming into a zombie of ultimate randomness. heh.
dreams kill the sleep. and how long have i been sleeping without having to dream?
you know, that face haunts. even when its not a nightmare.
let me get my sleep tonight. 22:15
13 January 2007
every choice leads to a different path, and im really glad to have chosen to accept You. because Your love goes to no end and i just wanna continue walking down with You ever and ever and ever again.
Your light will shine when all else fade;
no matter how screwed up it once was, You never hesitate to pick me up again. i never say all the problems disappeared after knowing You, in fact they are still there. but really i think the journey to fight on gets a little easier because i know i will not be alone if i choose to believe You are there.
i remember how much guilt there was in my life. a lot a lot. a lot of wrong moves made, a lot of stupid decisions made. and a lot of times i found myself stuck somewhere, unable to move on nor turn back. it's not going to be the case anymore, right?
when will the heart be ready to share; all the things that would otherwise be locked;
there was an interesting question in class today, how has education shaped us? if i was given the chance to go off-point, really its the events in life that will change us.
i've changed till i kind of forgot how i was like in the past. i can never go back. whatever happiness, whatever not, everything. i remember the days when i try to fight back, something like not accepting what's happening to me at that time. too stubborn then i suppose, i thought everything can be changed when im determined enough. how dumb. because at the end of the day, what's meant to be will be there. what's not will not, no matter what heh.
fought enough, lost enough, cried enough. and enough means enough.
lessons in the hard way; is this resignation? 20:10
08 January 2007
i was just somehow disillusioned today. just realised that there's really no point in convincing myself a fact that no longer existed. i should stop assuming it's reality. reality is that some things have changed till whatever im holding dearly to is slowly slipping away. or has slipped away. and when a phrase's no longer true, it's time to stop saying it. it irks me sometimes how fake it sounded. and it's worse when im the one saying it. damned.
sometimes i wonder whether others see the same things or not. but from what im seeing and hearing, it's not a prertty picture anymore.
i know its inevitable with time people change. no im not feeling sore about it. im just feeling weird why i felt a lil upset. i shouldnt be feeling this way, because life is really too short to get upset over such trivial stuff.
okay. cheer up.
anyway, the class met up with the jnr class after sch. ah wells, hopefully as time passes, things will get a lil better and stuff.
it's been a tiring day and its only the beginning of the week. zzz. how great. 21:30
07 January 2007
so it doesnt really matter even when you dont understand how much i cared, though i have to admit that isnt exactly painless. but really, i would rather see one sad person re-embrace happiness, than to see the others rejoicing in joy. and sometimes it can just make my day to know things have been all great and fine for you.
i just love the use of the word 'you'. i wonder who invented that word heh.
anyway i'm just reminded of how you cared, and how it meant so much to me. even when you are around no more, at least i really have to thank you for all those times. all those times i doubt i will ever forget this entire life, cos you probably impacted me more than any living souls around.
i'm what i am, partly because of you. whether good or bad, i wonder. for one thing, i still think the sensitivity can kill. :\ and im getting incoherent. heh.
tag replies [havent been doing so till they had been flushed down alr. ]
samantha; i can tell it meant a lot to you, i see ti amo everywhere -. -
wanga; oh my this is late, happy new yr? thx for the gift frm thailand...
christina & suee; happy new year, sorry this is late xD
iamburpy; alright you helped me survive countdown too, too-hyper junior (:
yongster & Doomed FREAKZ; oh wells maybe its because we didnt bad enough for econs heh. or simply put, we are unlucky.
and for the rest; A VERY BIG HELLO ((: haha plus a lil wave to shepherd haha.
no more nightmares, just memories that im learning to hold dear; pls dont burst the bubble. 20:42
05 January 2007
you know sometimes when you feel like doing something, but yet you cant. sometimes when you know something is right and ought to be done, but yet you do the wrong things. think im living that recently. which really shouldnt be the case, but then again, some things cannot be controlled by simple discipline.
afterall, it's heart over mind. i dont want to drown myself with all the emotional stuff because they can kill. who am i kidding? all the smiles in school.
once again, i opted for distractions and more distractions. been doodling with the class' baby photo collage this whole night just to keep my mind away from all the funny things.
so i shall pray for Your guidance...
... 22:05
03 January 2007
it really feels good to be back in school, to see that ever-loving class bench, and to see all those familiar faces from class. everyone look pretty much the same, so it hasnt really quite dawned on me that we are j2s already. maybe that's because the juniors havent joined us officially. but it feels weird a lot of juniors walking around, cos it makes me feel old.
i dont want to be j2. the A levels sounded really scary, especially during miss wang's lesson. it's like 'say welcome to reality, stop dreaming'. gahh. but she's quite cool i think xD (hopefully, you know people are usually nice when they havent unleashed their monstrous side)
but anyway, i have the feeling that 75 is under some sort of resuscitation plan by the school or something, heh might as well lah. the new teachers for the year are pretty good i guess, and something worth celebrating was i finally learnt something from a maths tutorial since integration long long time ago. ahhh wells. i've just reminded of all the work and academic stuffs for the year.
hmph. i suppose this is enough as a breather, back to mugging impossible bio. (: 20:26
02 January 2007
2007 came just like that. and apparently, the first day has slipped past once again, just like any other day.
ask me to kick the habit of procrastination, i think it's quite impossible, so no use for such resolutions. maybe i should just try to do more things, make better use of my time. even if it's crappy stuff, bring some meaning on maybe.
but then i wonder whether it's possible to change something that had like that all along for three years? afterall, the change has a story behind it.
1 more day till school reopens. it's been a mad rush for school work suddenly and the great bio department has to put a test on the first week of school! >.< i seriously cant finish, and i dont feel like hecking the first test of the year. it's not very nice to fail it, since im most probably going to flunk maths already.
