sing to me the song of the stars of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again when it feels like my dreams are so far sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again
i pray for Your assurance...
it really doesnt help when the body and mind are tired. over what, i dont quite know. i dont even want to be frustrated at myself, but then as i said again and again, apathy can kill.
seriously, i dont want to drop dead just like that.
i desperately need a lot of motivation and inspiration.
tell you im not worried. could you tell im lying with my eyes open? 21:54
25 February 2007
i'm currently channelling potential energy into mugging energy.
though i foresee a premature termination, it's important enough (: 11:42
24 February 2007
i just love the way You work.
even when the skies are overcast and the rains poured, You promised a rainbow for me. even when there's a thousand and one things that may have upsetted me, You hid some comfort somewhere around for me to find in the end, just to compensate for everything.
all in Your plans, thanks for putting those people in my lives, those who i know i could talk to at this point of time. any minute help has probably turned significant. even when it means the presence of some, haha.
][
illusions are afterall illusions, and how do we feel safe living in them? when they burst, it's just more bouts of self-realisation. life goes on.
praise Lord. 10:15
21 February 2007
i think too much.
damn damn damn damn damn.
i feel like a person opening doors after doors, only to find no exit.
isnt a person who's tired supposed to zonk out and stop thinking? 22:37
20 February 2007
just a random point here, i hope i've gained weight after this whole festive holiday season. (: oh yeah all for the target of BMI 18.0!
i've really eaten like a pig during cny, so much of it being a pig year. all the food and tidbits especially, but then again such bingeing is probably gonna earn me a clotted blood vessel instead. sighh. and all the crappy pimple outbreaks due to the sudden heatiness! rarrgh.
school starts once again tmr and i've got tons of things undone as yet. dont remind me of maths tutorial, its becoming a sensitive topic lately. and im proud of the speed at which the gp AQ was done. woots. i've successfully slacked. oh whatever :\
i've figured out i shall work at my own pace. whichever it is. this is definitely not a good year for mental breakdown.
and thanks for those two msn convos last night, think they helped, though its hard to understand why. i was just not feeling myself somehow. apparently i've worried for nothing yesterday, i've found enough strength to face it today (thank God). it was really a pleasant surprise.
one more baby step taken. i wish for the day i can stand on the mountaintop and sing to my heart's content. 21:01
19 February 2007
cny day two, spent with mum's side of the family. i should say im more close to people there, and so more comfortable the whole day. and bryan and yanda just made my day, they are just fellas who are so freaking cute.
at least for the whole day, i dont have the idea that im mingling for the sake of creating some conversation so there wont be silence. really it isnt easy to go talk to people you havent for ages. (especially when we all know we have drifted so far from each other) we have all lost the game to time.
family obligations. how true.
tmr they will be visiting her place for cny visit. i guess i dont have a choice but to follow, but who really knows how much it actually affects me whenever i have to face that issue. since the day she left, i've forgotten how to look at them straight in the eyes without wanting to cry. it would be nice to find out how they are doing, but im not ready yet.
:\
i need strength from You... 22:12
17 February 2007
chinese new year is going to be boring i think. sometimes i wonder what's the whole hooha about cny before that.
the only good things are probably the angpows which can solve my long-term financial woes, the bak kwa and tidbits and of course the much needed rest. though i shall not deceive myself, there's a chem test coming up right after cny. oh wells.
never mind. i've just armed myself with a nice nicholas spark's book to help kill time tmr (:
but in the meantime...
HAPPY CNY TO ALL!
22:46
14 February 2007
14th february - some day we all call valentine's day. and i guess on this day of the year, my mood was greatly uplifted i think (:
and when all the tiny small medium and huge things count. and we all know that whatever was given was not measured by merely the monetary value, but rather the huge amount of sincerity behind it. a day i redefine love.
all the random facts that made my day totally(hopefully in chronological order) 1. sam's and val's lovely msg and friendship band in my favourite colour! oh and the rice crispy (: 2. caiyun's chocolate coin 3. claire's brownie! 4. chocolates given by some of the class guys namely toon, chris, ivan, robert and simon (collectively known as chockies -.-) that package was really nicely wrapped though haha. 5. bakes from dearest shepherd - fung! 6. chocolate cornflakes from both yiwei and yingchern 7. shueli's icicle 8. the pretty pair of sandal from dearest angel quheng ((: somemore they fit snugly! woots. 9. [[the laughters when we realised that we've got quheng and thomas the exact same present]] 10. the nice red wallet from dearest mortal honghui and the interestingly drawn card with an even more interesting depiction of the cello. xD so cute. haha! 11. sophia's beautiful card with the cute cushion 12. chankeet's nice and thoughtful message 13. reihorng's apple and msg! 14. red rose from yong which looked really pretty in the morning, and now looks like gerbera haha! 15. siyun's cookies! 16. zhuting's cheesecake! 17. sutyee's cookies! 18. jiangchuan's origami heart (: 19. tifen's love message from cjc! 20. qiquan's virtual chocolate (because in the end i think it disappeared before it reached me) 21. random msgs from many random people! 22. sylvia's sudden sticker tag during fire drill! 23. kityeng, yuting and yingchern's bookmark 24. the random captain ball session before x country 25. siyun accompanying me throughout the 3.2 km of the cross country - WALKING because i cant run. -.-
really, it's just so easy to give thanks. and i can really never thank enough.
actually i would think two people i would thank a lot a lot this 1 month into 2007 are my dearest angel and mortal - quheng and honghui. ((: thanks you guys really, you people never know that sometimes your letters just came at the right time, when for that moment i wasnt feeling exactly very good or something, and they never fail to brighten me up! so yeahs! BIG SMILES! and thanks for those lovely and well-thought gifts haha! my angel and mortal has good taste yay!
][
valentine's day too commercialised? maybe haha! cos why only this day with your valentine? HAHA. but today, for me at least, love is redefined (:
last year in college life, vday's not gonna be the same anymore next time. but today, it made a difference for sure.
some things get rewinded unknowingly, uncontrollably.
just like how things dont go well at home, so i try to do whatever i can to make it more bearable. i've made the effort because i see no point why i should fight along and make things worse. but again and again, so many disappointments, so many accusations. if only those words arent so hurting. if you call this love, do you call it twisted love? then, so many episodes of self-convincing so i will not stop loving. and the next day, the cycle begins its run again.
this really isnt angst.
and there isnt supposed to be a cycle. how saddening.
][
dramafeste yesterday was really not bad i suppose, apart from the fact that it ended at 11pm and i was really tired during the filler item. all the relationships explored, leaving us to think what's relevant for us. personal favourite, with no biasedness intended, was the virgin's suicide by apollo. the stage techniques and the symbolism.
all the love and death. suicide is deeper than death.
and yep i liked the cohesiveness of ares' play. (:
][
once again, let me emphasise life for me isnt that bad if not for the fact that sometimes it's just not the right moment, not the right place. 23:11
08 February 2007
rarr. hurt my finger just now when someone closed the door and now the knuckle looks pretty swollen. sigh, hope it heals soon and maybe the swelling will ease by tmr (:
and just now i was rather irritated at myself because i lost my bio tutorials and they have to be submitted for checking tmr. i always thought i had them then i found out that they were missing, too late. always losing things i suppose, been a bad habit hard to kick. but thinking about it now, there's no point getting angry over this - totally worthless. and sometimes i wonder why i still allow myself to do stupid things like this.
life moves on. heh.
anyway, im glad to say i think i can remember the steps for the apollo fac dance, though i still lag 2 beats at the jump bullboy part, without fail. but coordination is improving, which is a good sign. (: and it was comforting to see the junior class so enthusiastic really. doing all crazy things like spamming for netball competition, think they put up a good fight today though. i thought i could see the us last year in them, though sometimes they are actually more crazy than us. no matter how i wish we could be like last year, life goes on. let's continue getting older. haha.
oh yeah, dramafeste tmr, hope it will be an eye-opener this time round (:
praying for nothing but the best for you tmr. dont fear. 21:45
07 February 2007
apathy kills tonight.
now the rollercoaster carriage is not even moving. no ups nor downs. there's really nothing.
what are my big rocks? i have not yet discovered. all i know is i think i'm totally drowned in this pool of grey. give me some black and white, for once.
纷乱世界的不了解；
之前是一次又一次的想不通，一次又一次的苦恼。今天，终于累了。
想不下去了。 21:38
05 February 2007
back to day one of the week again. again and again. just that this time round, i thought it feels as though it's a faster routine. i see the front and the end, but missed the process half the time despite wanting to. ah wells.
for Nth time, nothing waits.
i shouldnt be finding mondays draining really. i thought i should be capable to handle it. somehow as time passes, as life goes on, i just find my capacity to cope shrinking unfortunately. maybe it's the degree of challenge from the tasks and yadayada or maybe it could be as simple as a fact that i've remembered wrongly. i cant do those things in the past. i still cant now. eeeeks. that doesnt sound appealing at all.
btw, as quheng's msn nick goes though i cannot fly, im not content to crawl. motivational, isnt it? heh. im too easily contented? i wonder. and he thinks i look emo. does emo ever have a look? o.O
anyway i should stop emo-ing. damned.
tiny steps in doing big things; should not feel discouraged; maybe the timing just isnt right yet;
patiently i wait. 22:24
04 February 2007
sometimes i just think i cannot give thanks enough, afterall so many things have changed. it's not exactly the problems that have changed, but rather how im leading my life.
i remember how i used to be so tough on myself. telling myself to be really strong inside, so i can prove them wrong. so i just piled up everything possible inside me until one day when i cant take it anymore i'll just sit down and cry. and the next day, i'll continue piling those craps onto myself again. being strong is not wrong, but i guess it was just self-torturing then. i wonder why.
my changing point. 23rd dec 06. never will i forget. the day when the void is filled.
and my new year resolution, i didnt forget. i kept you in my prayers.
i prayed for you to experience His love.
the tears can be dried, really. 11:27
01 February 2007
i just feel guilty tonight.
call me funny, crazy, weird or whatsoever, but i think i've wronged dr siva and im not feeling exactly nice about this whole thing. last time, it occured just so naturally to put the blame on him, you know, not being able to understand, crappy notes yadayada, and now come to think of it, i think i was just being plain selfish and ignorant. heh. it's just so easy to put the blame others and half the time, the last person i blame is probably myself. i forgot three other fingers are pointing back at me when i point at a person. i clean forgot. so sinful.
think i also forgot what mrs seah told us last time back in ny, conclusions lead to observations. think i really didnt give him much chances, i ought to i guess. it's only right then. i was forgiven so many times by You for all the stupid things i've done, who i am not to give someone another chance. it's not that i dont give people chances, i just didnt give him.
i should, starting tmr. (:
though i still hope that he can be a little more tactful, a little more understanding towards us, and of course not so work-orientated.
but anyway, i finished learning the apollo fac dance! yay. though i had to stare at alicia half the time when im doing the moves. plus, i keep forgetting to do the jump bullboy thing, and i ALWAYS lag 2 beats. -.- but it just felt good after learning the entire thing and doing it. i still love the stabbing part of the dance, muahaha. im so sadistic.
ok. no more crap. bio spa tmr. back to mugging. muggerlicious.rarrr. 21:30
