21:53


i give thanks to those who understand and to those who bother. and of course to those who try to make the place more vibrant and jovial. because sometimes the way life goes drains quite a bit. just like how we chew on a chewing gum for too long, and the sweet flavouring wears off and what's left is only some weird taste that makes you wanna spit it out.

if i were to describe yesterday, i probably felt the most f-up ever. i was just so freaking disappointed with myself. i still am, actually. but i suppose i shouldnt dwell upon it too much, afterall it's bad for health.

such confidence and faith in myself urgh, i seriously need a breakthrough in this. ): the unknown just scares so much at times that i hate myself. everyone was right, i just need to have that bit more of confidence and dont concede defeat even before the battle starts.

i must constantly remind myself this.

but anyway today feels so much better, maybe because the pent-up stress was released and probably because it just isnt time to start worrying again. and bio spa went pretty alright, in fact surprisingly pleasant because i finished it in time for the first time of my life. and caregroup today was pretty fun (: cheers to jonathan who helped and guided me through my first cg role haha! and the games were just so freaking fun, imagine cg playing gei wo tempo ready go! woots, and of course the charade and pictionary and dearest crazy girl tifen trying to demo dodo bird. think i almost died laughing. haha.

and as for you, i really respect your decision and i salute your bravery. thanks so much for letting me know about that and i couldnt give thanks enough when it turned out that our friendship didnt end then. because you mattered.
21:13


you know sometimes during your lesson, i just cant help but be annoyed at you. for a thousand and one reasons i suppose, and it seems as though with every lesson you are feeding me with more reasons to feel so. i have only one thing to say, and that is respect is earned. you don't expect me to think that you are the best that could have happened to me (which is absolutely not the case), because that attitude irks.

so many chances given, but i feel as though i've been giving free chances as if they were nothing. because you never succeed in proving me wrong.

should i just count my luck?

but anyway thank goodness econs drq and gp essay were both alright, though there's a high probability that the other components are screwed. who cares. should just work towards the other goal for BT2, or even the ultimate lap - As. haha.

heh audition tmr. :\ omg.

sometimes when i sit back and think, i just lament at how tired i get by guessing what's running in your minds. just like a lock, never with the right key. behind that bedroom door, i dont think i know what place that is anymore.

cheer up eunice.
20:43


i can't believe this.

to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
i forgot how fun it was to suan you
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
i just found the joy in it again
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
hahahaha
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
xD

what about this? totally unbelievable.

to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
i still trying to live in denial
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
and trying to believe that you're a monkey
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
then i can feed you bananas
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
and nuts
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
so fun
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
..
`eunice sevenfiver; muted rants says:
....
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
it has come to the stage of dots
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
....
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead; says:
....

all so much for late-night entertainment. haha.

(:

anyway i've created another space for pure ranting. because its time not to deceive myself that i can pen down whatever i like, given the fact that i have no idea who reads at this place.

don't judge me.
22:03


let me sing of Your love

... and forget about the troubles.

and i've figured why i like sour stuff, because they numb.

[edit]

i was just being bored just now so i went to read some of the msn conversation logs. i would say i was rather amused and surprised at some statements. how they only made sense after looking at them a second time after so long.

how i failed to see that behind the surface of those unlikely words, it was actually care and concern. it's just interesting how the human intention is warped by awkwardness. haha.

and of course to shawn, haha my ever faithful ranting partner. i was shocked to realise those ranting logs of randomness were THAT plentiful. haha. if i were to read the first log till now, i can take a whole afternoon or longer xD

sometimes it just takes a simple act to be pleasantly surprised. hoho. im a simple person.

ps. give me a strong heart please. i don't want to die from cardiac arrest.

[/edit]
12:49


sigh. i'm officially down with the flu bug. my nose can't stop running ): weird that it was almost okay in the morning and it just got worse as time passed. and just when i happily thought i can go home and pop some flu pills, the medication ran out without my knowledge.

rarhhh.

hmm somehow i have the feeling that this whole post-blocks period is an illusion. you think one great hurdle is over and you deserve the slacking and yadayada and the next thing you know, the homework pile stares at you and somewhere out there bio spa skill A blinks at you. we are just like cars stopping at gasoline stations topping up the tank i suppose, final destination still not in sight yet. haha. i'm just... sian. but in this game of life, we have no choice but to keep walking. going.

but now i desperately need tissue. and medication. argh.
23:26


march blocks are finally over after the short gruelling process of mugging. woots.

and guess what, my damned nose is blocked so badly now i cant even breathe. not kidding, if i close my mouth, i cant breathe at all. rargh. so that would mean im breathing like a silly goldfish -.- SIGH.

which explains why i have no mood to blog more. because i need to go get tissue.

but anyway, post blocks lanning was quite fun. yay i've improved in dota hoho, though i'm still a great noob heh (:

i'll be back.
22:53


LAST LAP!

hahaha i suppose i rant more during the mugging season, high chance its because i desperately need to let out steam. and i think my brain's fused from all the cramming, especially the photosynthesis and respiration blahblahblah. omg, according to chris' post on class blog, it's a freaking 402 pages. for once, i was in an airconed room and i did not feel cold at all. must be the brain screaming that it's chaota.

at least i don't feel as screwed up as studying for chem last night. that's a pretty good sign. (:

(and special thanks to shawn for hearing me rant and rant and rant like nobody's business. gah must be hard on you =\)

okay off to mug for the last bit, before leaving all to the power of sleep!
22:57


have you ever felt like this?

you've been hoping for something to happen and when it really happened, you still get disappointed because it was not what you had imagined it to be. what happened to the desire for that wish to come true? hurhur.

which was why i don't know whether i should be amused at myself or not. because i was telling shawn last night that i'm hoping for a hard chemistry paper so that i won't feel so bad if i can't do it. and guess what, it didnt please me either when a horribly hard paper came out today.

i shall not recall how much i didnt do, or attempted to scribble something on the scarily blank paper. heh (: numbers are not invented to count like that.

bio tmr! less than 24 hours to go! I NEED ALL THE MUGGING GENES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. and of course all the genes to bless me with a strong heart.

should not have forgotten all those timely reminders to stay joyful.

with love.
13:25


congratulate me.

day two of the block tests is over with me leaving quite a few questions almost blank for the maths component. never mind, shouldn't dwell upon it, since it was expected i won't know how to do due to the lack of revision, and i can't change the unanticipated part about DE took up 30% of the paper. -.- maybe staying in the math remedial class isn't a bad thing afterall.

oh well, for the sake of my bright future, i shall mug much to my discontent. no doubt gp suggests the fact that competing non-stop in the rat race probably deprives us of happiness in the course of pursuing happiness, we are all still living in a super practical world.

afterall, in jc2, everyone talks about 4As and scholarships. though i have to admit that i'm still rather jaded, i suppose questions will start crashing into my pea-sized brain sooner or later. shouldn't worry now. there's too much on the plate.

hoho. too bad. just keep moving, don't stop breathing.

anyway quheng sent me 'face down' by the red jumpsuit apparatus last time, then i chanced upon a nicer song by that band - 'your guardian angel'.

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
17:26


gp and econs are over. they were a mad rush for time when it mercilessly ticks away while the brain screams for coherence.

let's continue to breathe.

i mugged the most for econs. if it were to be something like that, let tonight be the start of the nightmare, and watch out. i want to get out of this dream asap.

maths is tmr.

breathe harder.

and i give thanks to the pouring encouragements here and there, and yes, the most importantly, i was reminded the importance of joy three times from three different individuals. amazing.

even when it's a nightmare, let it be redefined.
21:21


blocks are coming in less than 12 hours' time.

in His grace, dare to be different and look up. (: i'll get myself as prepared as i possibly can at this point of time, the rest i guess i'll leave it all to Him.

for when You came and touched my heart, i've figured that it should not be shut against you anymore. for there's none like You.

anyway even when this holiday is almost dedicated to mugging and trying to mug for this coming blocks, i would say it's still not that torturing after all. there's probably too much verbal exaggeration i guess. though it's not the let-me-go-for-a-leisure-break kind of vacation, at least i should give thanks since i've slept enough throughout this week. and mind you, sleep is one of the important components of my life. heh.

okay alright, blocks, here i come.

(drowning in the beauty of joe hisaishi's music once more)
21:05


How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

this poem by w.h. auden came along in some seemingly crappy e-newsletter that i've accidentally signed up for. and it proves itself tons more worthy than rubbish.

if you get what i mean, you dont need to a thousand words to get that idea across.

this poem, how true.

and its so funny because this thing came when my pea-sized brain is so saturated with all the scientific wonders of the world. and now, who the heck cares about ribulose bisphosphate carboxylase oxygenase? -.-

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
21:22


is that called emotional strength?

even when the sky has fallen, that trademark smile never left. how could you have done it really? life is hell not a bed of roses and we all know it. those smiles and laughters no longer comfort, i would rather you frown. i rather you wail. i rather you cry.

afterall, no one cant stand that tall and strong all the time.

a candle burns and lights up the dark, till the last inch of its wax is used up. and then pitch darkness sets in once more.

candlelight doesn't work. stop hurting yourself.
21:42


block test revision rocks totally, and i wonder how many brain cells i have killed so far. rahh.

anw econs rocks my socks man, if u see the picture it's actually quite fun, but when you don't, it feels like a piece of shit i think. many thanks to raphael for the enlightening explanation ytd after meta, heh you pwned dr siva totally.

oh and metamorphosis was great last night ((: but i've got a burning question urgh, fungmin come back soon! >.<

revision progress isn't going too well by the way. it's too skewed, i havent done anything maths and biology yet, and that's bad news considering how weak my math is and how crazy the bio papers usually are. nvm jiayou eunice. jiayou da jia!

and grace amazing takes me home;
11:44


i'm officially chem-dead. all the many hours of chem kind of killed my brain. 7 hours of chem make-up and consultation, insanely tiring. haha but i guess mrs cheong seemed more braindead than us. heh i salute her, my goodness, imagine teaching for so long with only a lunch break.

take a break, and off i chiong for more revision. (:

i think the smiley face is just there to cheer myself up artificially. but nvm, when life gets tough, let's just try to believe that we are all made to be tougher...

anyway, i'm so glad that i've kind of communicated with yiling through email, haha i still love email-sending cos sometimes some thoughts just come in one whole chunk, and msn just isnt as useful. but at least we all know what's going on and we all know somehow the love and care just cant stop. and come to think of it, i should really go back after blocks, i miss them a hell lot. haha. and i'm so proud of myself that i've written them a letter instead to compensate for not going back like half a year? o.O

tag replies

tracee: yep jiayou for YLTC! =D hope the weather's not too bad though.

chrisia: hahaha you know somehow you cant help such things usually xD but thank goodness, coping better now... (:

[[

okok. back to work. metamorphosis tmr, hope it's gonna be fun. (:
21:24


right now, i have no idea what to blog about. but somehow there's been quite a bit stuck inside me, and they choke. so let me rant.

and it gets pretty uncomfortable till i have no freaking idea how to deal with it. so i've decided to stone and the art of apathy comes in again. again. damned. and guess what i've been stoning for the whole day.

first and first of all, i hate the unresponsive self at home, i just cant get myself to respond. just like how a child cringes at the sight of a cane after episodes of abuse, i dont even feel like talking because i'm so damn afraid of the responses i'm gonna take. i have no idea how hurting some words are going to be, i have no idea how i'm going to respond to those words. show you how displeased i am, hide in my room and cry, or just swallow it down and pretend nothing has happened? and the vicious cycle goes on, the more i refuse to speak up, the more pissed you get, and the more i dont feel like responding.

did you know that i've grown to dislike holidays more and more?

and then the usual, the preparation for blocks. maybe i should have keep away from the idea of using blocks to prove my worth, because i've realised that actually gave me unnecessary stress. the fact that it means so much this time round, i dread the worst scenarios. and it's not going to work this way, but yet how can i turn back? and suddenly i dont know what to do with myself. that was a freaking wrong step taken right from the start.

and syf audition as well i guess. frankly speaking, i dont have much confidence in myself. if you get what i mean, it's like if i play alone, im fine and stuff, but with the strong sense of an audience around me, my hands feel foreign and that kind of thing. i wonder how many ppl actually know what i mean. but if i've done my best and still things didnt work out, i will accept it. but given the circumstances, i wonder if i can do my best. and when some things in life, just matter more than academics...

life has too many unknowns.

illuminate those signs You have for me, will You? i'll learn to entrust all to You, but promise You will never let me go, will You?

And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home;
I'll trust in you;

rants rants rants rants. gah. whatever.
19:48


koped quiz from miss wang's blog.

eunice, you exhibit an even balance between left- and right- hemisphere dominance and a slight preference for visual over auditory processing. With a score this balanced, it is likely that you would have slightly different results each time you complete this self-assessment quiz.
You are a well-rounded person, distinctly individualistic and artistic, an active and multidimensional learner. At the same time, you are logical and disciplined, can operate well within an organization, and are sensitive towards others without losing objectivity. You are organized and goal-directed. Although a "thinking" individual, you "take in" entire situations readily and can act on intuition.
You sometimes tend to vacillate in your learning styles. Learning might take you longer than someone of equal intellect, but you will tend to be more thorough and retain the material longer than those other individuals. You will alternate between logic and impulse. This vacillation will not normally be intentional or deliberate, so you may experience anxiety in situations where you are not certain which aspect of yourself will be called on.
With a slight preference for visual processing, you tend to be encompassing in your perceptions, process along multidimensional paths and be active in your attacking of situations or learning.
Overall, you should feel content with your life and yourself. You are, perhaps, a little too critical of yourself -- and of others -- while maintaining an "openness" which tempers that tendency. Indecisiveness is a problem and your creativity may not be in keeping with your potential. Being a pragmatist, you downplay this aspect of yourself and focus on the more immediate, obvious and the more functional.

should say it's rather accurate, though im not too sure about the discipline part. HAHA. and to my great shock, exact same result as valerie. oh my. now this makes me doubt the reliability of it all. heh heh.

anyway core module today was rather alright i guess, at least a good thing was it got me thinking about what i want to do with myself in the future. i suppose i've never given it much thought, and it's probably high time to do so. only about a year before all the university stuff, ah wells we are all growing too quickly. probably after all the freaking mugging, i should sit back with a nice cup of tea and start thinking about my future.

thinking doesnt hurt much in this sense i guess. before i start panicking after i've muddled my way through for too long (:
21:14


it's amazing how so few words can piss me off so badly just now. and even more amazing how so few words can manage to refresh and make my day.

maybe this is just how things go. without darkness, where's the light?

anyway i dont want to be angry at you. because in the end i think it affected me more than i expected, every single time. i wonder why i bothered to in the first place. gahh, all the great talks of not knowing how the damned mind works.

and looking at the pile of snacks i have on my working desk, i've found out one of the best ways to cheer myself up. supermarket shopping! (i shall not bother whether it sounds auntieish or not -.- ) it just feels super good to stroll down those tall shelves, grabbing things to prepare myself for future binges. but of course, this probably only works on days when i feel rich. ((:

who cares, as long as i've made myself happier. i need to.
22:07


it just feels totally great, back using the internet. the dearest router and connection have decided not to pit against me finally after this whole screwy week.

but i guess for everything absent, you feel the presence of something else otherwise not felt. maybe this is just God's timely moment for me to start the whole momentum to revise and mug hard for my blocks. i just realised this blocks matter to me quite a bit, because it's not just an academic assessment, but rather i need it to prove to my parents that i'm not what they think i am. i'm more than what you think i am capable of.

do you know how hard it is, to always try so hard to gain ur approval? i'm freaking tired. but the fight must continue, till i emerge victorious.

so yeah my point is, block test is not just a normal exam. yes the academics matter, but let's take it as i'm viewing this whole assessment very differently. this is not a rash decision.

it's a challenge for mental strength.
22:00


i know i can cry in front of You. because you know how much it hurts inside. and You wouldnt blame me for that.

it was that timely moment that helped me a little back to normal track, instead of me straying further and further away. now maybe i feel a tiny weeny more refreshed for the week. i have to. its monday today and it's a holiday thanks to the wonderful results the seniors have achieved. and somehow i wonder what would exactly happen next year. extra school day? haha. but really, i dont have a good feeling about all these.

but really, i should start taking up the challenge. block tests are coming in less than 2 weeks' time. (take pots and pans and start hitting myself awake)

and maybe its a blessing that internet is screwing up, at least i can get started with all the mugging and embark on my great transformation into a mugger. and to people who want to mug out, can call me along! rahhh.

care to know why? because they say pain is universal.

and love is, coincidentally, also universal.
11:58


i like samuel's teaching during cg today (: i should really learn how to look to God and know He's there when things dont go that well. because i guess, even till now, my first instinct is still to run. to hide.

keep running and running. it's so true because half the time when i collapse on the bed so exhausted, the mind just wont come to a rest. those scenes keep playing. those words keep ringing. and i wont stop dreaming. maybe its time to try to put a stop to all these.

][

anyway, i need to get a bit more anxious about blocks! sigh. there still isnt much sense of urgency on my part, which worries me, but i have no freaking idea why i cant seem to get myself motivated enough.

and who's the smart guy who invented calculus? rargh. and i must be maclaurin's enemy in my previous life. zzz.

maths maths maths!
21:48

eunice
eighteen
hope
hwachong
06s75
hcco
1 corinthians 16:14




06s75
hwachong cg

abigail
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cheegake
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seokhui
shawn
simon
siyun
sophia
sutyee
terry
tifen
tracy
valerie
wahtoon
xiangyu
yueqi
yvonne
zelanie
zhengyou


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