right now, i have no idea what to blog about. but somehow there's been quite a bit stuck inside me, and they choke. so let me rant.
and it gets pretty uncomfortable till i have no freaking idea how to deal with it. so i've decided to stone and the art of apathy comes in again. again. damned. and guess what i've been stoning for the whole day.
first and first of all, i hate the unresponsive self at home, i just cant get myself to respond. just like how a child cringes at the sight of a cane after episodes of abuse, i dont even feel like talking because i'm so damn afraid of the responses i'm gonna take. i have no idea how hurting some words are going to be, i have no idea how i'm going to respond to those words. show you how displeased i am, hide in my room and cry, or just swallow it down and pretend nothing has happened? and the vicious cycle goes on, the more i refuse to speak up, the more pissed you get, and the more i dont feel like responding.
did you know that i've grown to dislike holidays more and more?
and then the usual, the preparation for blocks. maybe i should have keep away from the idea of using blocks to prove my worth, because i've realised that actually gave me unnecessary stress. the fact that it means so much this time round, i dread the worst scenarios. and it's not going to work this way, but yet how can i turn back? and suddenly i dont know what to do with myself. that was a freaking wrong step taken right from the start.
and syf audition as well i guess. frankly speaking, i dont have much confidence in myself. if you get what i mean, it's like if i play alone, im fine and stuff, but with the strong sense of an audience around me, my hands feel foreign and that kind of thing. i wonder how many ppl actually know what i mean. but if i've done my best and still things didnt work out, i will accept it. but given the circumstances, i wonder if i can do my best. and when some things in life, just matter more than academics...
life has too many unknowns.
illuminate those signs You have for me, will You? i'll learn to entrust all to You, but promise You will never let me go, will You?
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home; I'll trust in you;
