hit the pc show at suntec this afternoon with dad and victor, hmmm and it was quite a pretty decent haul i suppose. monitor, tv, printer toner and thumbdrives (: and i'm happy because a new monitor will mean no more hitting the monitor 20 odd times before it works and no more jumping images.
yays (: but it was seriously insane at the pc show with tons of people there squeezing their asses off. and it motivated me to gain more mass, because a couple of times, i was almost knocked out of balance by some inconsiderate people who started pushing and shoving. toes werent spared from all the stepping and ramming. urgh. and i really salute the sales workers at the pc show, because it definitely isnt easy to stand around in such squeezy conditions, shouting to compete with the blaring speakers, and of course trying to get picky shoppers to choose their products, and maintaining the good service attitude. (and oh yes, i stopped considering sharp's products while browsing cos the salesperson was extremely rude, no wonder singapore needs campaigning for better service) and oh, i saw shupeng working at samsung booth haha. =p
and i was so determined to pack my room when i reached home. and my determination started to fizzle off when the amount of paper drowned me and i also finished packing econs. but oh wells, thats at least something isnt it? heh.
sometimes i really wonder, what's contentment to me?
what contents this heart of mine? 21:15
30 May 2007
it was not that easy to stay high and hyper for the whole of yesterday, especially when it meant so much to me till it drained me quite a bit. 29th may... its been an emotional journey approaching this day, first dreading it, then wanting to confront it head-on, then going a step wanting to let go.
the nightmare of six years should end. no one told me it's going to be easy to forget whatever that had happened, no one told me that you would have left such a freaking huge hole in me then i was lost for quite a while, no one told me im going to see someone die.
but someone told me that i will be stronger and after when i looked back, i would be so proud of how much i have overcome. i dont know how true it is, because there is only one wall. just that one wall. so high and unsurmountable. but i give thanks to how i was able to pull through yesterday, way better than past years (last year was half spent worrying about the crazy height element at ubin). i just have this positive instinct that things will get better from here. (:
and yes answered prayers and all the great timings of so many things happening yesterday. made it easier i suppose heh.
chem lesson at a heartless time of 7.45am, and be glad that i've got double digit for my chem test and be extra glad that i would most probably be in chem remedial, having attained the lowest possible two-digit number. then lunched with sophia and valerie while sophia shopped for her pair of pretty heels, but oh wells, flats will always be my thing (: walked around and lamented and pitied myself for not having enough savings and having to missed all the sales. my retail therapy :\
after which, went jiexun's house for mcg (: was pretty fun overall i guess, though i kept going to the cold storage to get food haha. and as usual, for all bbqs, its always about the process of getting the food done. all the dethawing operation, twisting of wing joints, and massaging and marinating and poking those wings and kudos to the bbq team who braced the fire (: black pepper fish was not bad, and so was the bbq pocky. and of course i really hit bmi 17.5. woots.
290507, i broke half the wall.
so since the fun's over, its high time to start serious work today.
go eunice! 09:10
28 May 2007
two hours later, im sitting here again typing.
i dont care what's going on but i really need to clear and sort my thoughts out. because it's not everyday i get to have some great secret being blurted out, and thank goodness it's not everyday i feel this great sense of betrayal. and of course, all the aftermath of them all.
to you, i'm still very angry because you didnt treat me seriously and just because you didnt realise the severity of what you have said, here i am being sucked into the game of wrath. both my wrath and my parents' wrath. it's just exasperatingly amazing how one word can affect another individual's life so much and throw his or her life off course. and right now, im treading each step with extreme caution because i have no idea what lies ahead of me. (just in case you are reading this, would you kindly enlighten me on the rationale of doing what you just did to me?)
but i suppose the faith shouldnt stop no matter what. it has brought me a long way all these while. and you are not going to stop all these.
since the day i decided to keep it a secret, i've figured out that this day will come. and yes, secretly i did prepare myself for that day, and i just didnt think it would have come so fast. and without extra preparation on my side, that is. since i've prepared myself for the worst, what is to come can either be what i expected or just more pleasant surprises.
i give thanks to the first chance for such a long time that i was able to sit down and talk to mum about it. all the previous attempts to do so failed so terribly, and yet today when it's such a day of chaos, it was actually probable. nope the content of the talk was not ultimately what i wanted to talk about, but really i shouldnt be asking more because just a while ago, i never would have believed that the setting and atmosphere would have been possible at all. it's truly a blessing.
we talked about faith instead. frankly speaking, it wasnt easy to touch on that topic because it's just so hard to express yourself so that there wont be more and more misunderstandings to add on to whatever had been happening in my life. but that peaceful state of the mind, that level of understanding and sharing, im truly appreciative of that. and i was enlightened of the fact that i havent quite grasped - i come from a very traditional family with very conservative values. it's not a family that can be challenged with all the foreign ideas and not everyone is comfortable with the level of changes that's happening. all the ties, all the traditions, all the ancestry. i can declare that i want to live my own life, but deep down i know it would not have been very much possible without what i've grown up with pulling me back. but yes, we both agree that extremity irks. (for once, we actually agreed on something mutually) and with all the examples that she had quoted, it wont be an easy journey if i want to fight it out in the end. but first, i really have to set an example.
and i promise i'll try.
and really, for the first time in ages, for the first time, i felt that she is actually supportive of this. then what were the heartaches a while ago all for? 14:50
it's definitely not easy to pay for everything with that sum of money. but ah wells, it's definitely not as easy to earn that bit more money too.
little kids are no doubt cute and bubbly, and thats the impression until the rascal side of them has taken a toll of you. but i guess that's also what that makes them kids eh. naughty kids are usually the most memorable ones.
went to watch the school choir concert cantare at the esplanade with some of the cg people. not too bad i should say, i enjoyed credo and for the beauty of the earth. (: and i was awed by the conductor's solo singing too. haha. sometimes i just thought that people who can sing are very blessed, because they are given the ability to express their emotions and thoughts very aptly through all those melodious pieces. and somehow i thought the lower vocal ranges of the choir appeal to me more heh.
][
anyway i just heard about something. and i feel very betrayed. ): i trusted you and yet you showed me that you couldnt be trusted. and now you left me with this stupid pile of rubbish. really, i dont know what i can and cannot write here anymore.
][
and for you and it's tomorrow. i'll let go no matter what. (having experienced the taste, seen the colour of grief. there shouldnt be more reasons why i will linger on.) 12:27
26 May 2007
the holidays are here.
(applause)
(and dies down) urgh.
its hard to believe this holiday is full of mugging crap.
tried watching the recent japanese version of hana yori dango drama on crunchyroll. oh man, and i never expected it to be that addictive (: haha. the one constant reason why i love japanese drama is the fact that there arent many many episodes and everything's just condensed and exciting. and yes, this one just simply owned the taiwanese meteor garden heh, even when im only at episode 3 of season 1. -.- jun matsumoto!
(:
there's more things to plain books and notes.
it's a peaceful and quiet morning. 10:23
24 May 2007
was feeling pretty bored so i did the online jung personality test.
but i think most of the things are startling true :\ 20:13
22 May 2007
when i say "stay strong", i should learn to stay strong together with You and not just me alone. my strength is so meagre as compared to Yours. eunice, look up and look up!
that strong front is not for now.
2 corinthians 12:10b For when I am weak, then I am strong.
anyway the usual bout of random thoughts reminded me of the story of three little pigs. two of the pigs built their huts with straw and sticks, while the last one built it with bricks. no doubt straws and sticks are materials easier to gather and use, and building a hut will be fast, but we all know in the end the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and the first two became dinner for the wolf.
just like how relationships are supposed to be. they can be built really quickly and there's this great sense of bonding and belonging. you feel loved and everything. but once the spark is over, and everything cools off, we would all have realised that there's seriously no foundation to talk about in the first place. huff and puff. there goes the relationship we have always held on so dearly to.
i want brick-strong relationships.
and you know no patience no talk. 22:29
21 May 2007
now i'm utterly convinced that my life is really just a rollercoaster ride and more rollercoaster rides.
it doesnt take a lot to make me smile really, but it didnt take much to throw me into a bout of helplessness tonight. because right now, i really dont know what else i can do.
perhaps you do not understand a lot of things that i'm going through, and i confess neither do i know much about yours. but i tell you how i feel now, i feel like this person standing in the middle of an exposed field in a stormy night, waiting for the lightning to strike me. i dont even want to run anymore because there's really no solution in sight.
you dont believe i have co until that late.
you dont trust what im telling you.
you put words into my mouth.
you dont even know im not feeling well.
you dont even know i've lost count how many chances i've persuaded myself to give and just let things pass.
you dont know how much it bloody hurts.
what love is this. screwed.
i'm very very disappointed tonight. 21:50
20 May 2007
i am really really grateful for Your amazing timings. really, no exaggerations.
just a while ago, i was just worrying myself again because 29th may is coming. and somehow i just find myself counting down subconsciously to that date. so i was surprised when i found out that matthew cg's gonna be on that day, and doubly surprised when sermon was about God's strategy and His planning of salvation amidst crisis and everything.
i really really ought to learn how to put the pain in a larger perspective of what He has for us.
let this be the first 29th may in six years that i would be able to truly let go.
what happened then, was merely a transition, a phase. i'll see her again anyway. up above. 10:51
17 May 2007
[edit]
just when the ones i hope standing by my side arent very much in sight, i came to realise that there are some others who are just there but i was previously just too blinded to see.
no doubt i cant hide my disappointment, but really, i need this timely reminder so badly.
[/edit]
i am definitely not in my bestest mood today.
because of a thousand and one factors.
sometimes it just feels as though i have no control over myself. and when there's a serious clash with expectations and reality, i can just go speechless. don't know what else i can say.
but thank goodness, it's a thursday and it's a caregroup day, and i loved the worship today because there's my favourite song.
i will live a child in awe of You; and grace amazing takes me home 23:24
16 May 2007
pained (literally) for the whole day. diarrhoea plus monster cramps in the morning and stupid cramps just refuse to budge for the rest of the day.
and now i have to study for the econs essay tmr. so eunice is rather grumpy tonight, because she's really in no mood and no condition to sit there and mug. (or type, like now) chem and maths didnt go well, i dont have much hope that tmr's one will be better. but then again, maybe i should just remind myself of the ultimate goal.
the only competitor is no one, but myself. and i really sincere hope i find the motivation and drive soon.
][
不懂你的黑色幽默 想通却又再考倒我
who are we to say that we know someone? complicated beings somehow. we all are. 21:40
14 May 2007
ah. so we are going to play gongzhu for school arts fest (: cool. because 3 years ago when i first heard that song, i was like, hmmm i want to play that song. oh so 3 years later, the chance popped by. interesting eh.
so co has a warped version of a fairytale. our gongzhu is a guy. we have a great prince charming ahem. hoho. (:
anyway i think God spoke to me a bit today when i was walking home. maybe sometimes all the crappy things that i'm experiencing are there for a reason. there to make me stronger, there to strengthen my faith in Him, there to make me see things in a different perspective, there to make me realise that life can worth so much more.
but ah wells, sometimes just that sometimes, i do yearn for that companionship. times like that, i dont even know where im drifting to.
find the anchor soon. gah. 21:33
13 May 2007
my second post for the day. don't know why but i have this sudden urge to blurt some stupid stuff out. heh today's the ultimate get-distracted-and-let's-go-for-a-rollercoaster-ride day.
let's just act stupid and dont care whatever stupid crappy chem test tmr, and maths test and econs test coming up. i just wonder why they did not fall on the same day so i can just convince myself to give up and go to sleep. afterall, i have a flu now, i should be sleeping.
but then again, maybe i'll get sick enough to see a doctor and not go to school tmr. but home is boring. and moreover, i dont have money to see a doctor.
see im just getting incoherent. and once in a while, you get stupid posts. just like how once in a while, we lose ourselves in all those questions. once in a while, how im amazed at the amount of emotional rollercoaster rides i've been on.
i dont want to read my notes. i just want to snuggle in bed and read a good damn book. i want to tuesdays with morrie again.
oh wells, maybe it's just monday blues. and i wonder where did time fly to all the time?
][
anyway here's a question shawn asked me that confirmed my stupidity for the day.
you are running in a race. you overtake the 2nd person, what position are you in now.
i guessed first. argh. 21:25
happy mother's day, mum.
i've not been the greatest daughter, maybe not even a great one. but from the bottom of my heart, i still cannot love you any lesser.
the past month has really put this relationship on a test indeed, and i always believe after the storm, we will all see the true rainbow.
tomorrow will be a better day. 18:01
12 May 2007
sometimes i just wish you guys would have walked into my life earlier.
sometimes i just wish that treasuring something can be that simple.
sometimes i just wish im less clueless than what i am now.
sometimes i just wish you were around, or maybe not. because you always send me on rollercoaster rides.
sometimes ignoring signs dont help. but i wonder why i still commit those mistakes.
i dont want a divided heart. 22:15
11 May 2007
this entry page has been open for ... quite some time.
still blank, because you know sometimes its just so freaking hard to pen certain thoughts down. its hard, even to try talking about it. because i dont know how to start. its just bunch and a hell lot of mixed feelings.
and so yesterday was the day. 10th may 07. a while ago, i was telling someone i dont want it to end so soon, because soon enough before you would have realised, the next thing you know is that everything would be over. today becomes tomorrow's yesterday. and you find that what you are holding dearest to is no longer called reality. it has a new name - memories.
it was yesterday. hcco's syf. our performance. our music. our gold with honours. maybe like what the others say, we pwned the rest. sometimes, some things just awe me. maybe it was because of a thousand and one factors, but its the first time i got goosebumps from playing dadi. you know the kind of moment when you just feel like snapping your fingers and say "we have done it" haha. you get the idea (:
there's just this idea to put faith in yourself and people around you and there's really nothing called fear anymore. it's just plain believing and the human mind is definitely very capable with that.
the sky yesterday morning was overcast when i set off for school. but it was our day. so it was a brilliant morning in fact by the time we set off for SCH. mental note: good sign. look around, i saw smiles, good sign too. cello's tuning pegs looked alright too, made another mental note, prayed for it, which thank God, was answered. or maybe what shirlene said was right, i just need to coax my cello a bit haha.
then everything was fine, until i got slight diarrhoea. damned. haha. went to the damn toilet the moment i reached SCH, wth. its just exasperating. heh. but thank goodness it was fine during the performance on stage (:
the moment on stage felt like a dream. i have no idea why, rah okay it felt real too. -.- but just a sentence to sum it up, i enjoyed that performance very much and i was awed. like what bong had said, da di was really with us (:
and i can never thank enough for the people who walked this almost-ending co journey with me. im just glad that its you guys. not someone else. hcco 06-07. its where im proud to belong, and im just so glad so glad so glad that back then last year, i held on to this hope that belonging is reality and did not quit. because i can say now i belong.
我们的回忆。 当大地再次回到春季时，我们的旋律会再次响起。 20:09
09 May 2007
for me, there's always a time for believing in something.
for now, its the moment on stage tmr. it will be our moment.
let all the times in the past when i end up feeling let down, disappointed, angry or whatsoever not deter me from believing that tomorrow will be a special day for us. that 20 minutes made with love.
jiayou hcco.
for now, i will not stop believing.
as for the rest of the complicated issues, let them wait. (: 21:58
08 May 2007
i wonder why i yearn to hear a familiar voice right now. like someone who can understand and don't judge. but the funny thing is that i don't know who to call, because i do not have a conversational topic in mind at all and i don't feel very comfortable wasting people's time and interrupting their nights.
so weird. maybe thats why they say sometimes what friends can offer the most is the heart's presence and not actions or words.
and being my usual random self i called caina after the lrt trip while i was strolling home. i didnt have much to say, i feel like ranting but i didnt do so much in the end. but its just comforting to hear that voice. so funny. this is like the sixth year i have known her, after being classmates and co mates for so long, but yet this is probably one of the few times that i really truly treasured that moment of interaction. as in not that the others didnt mean a thing, but this one just struck more. haha. never mind, anyway i wont be able to know how things work.
so maybe the point is i shouldnt brood and go to sleep soon.
2 more days. 21:30
06 May 2007
"do everything in love." - 1 corinthians 16:14
for the love, yes i can do it in the end. (:
that intangible concept.
i just want to keep going because of it. 15:00
04 May 2007
teach me how to stay still.
teach my heart to stop wandering around till i have no idea what exactly is going on.
been feeling a lot of opposites. i think sometimes im just getting restless when im not supposed to. and i can feel alone amist crowds. i can feel the tinge of sadness even when im laughing. maybe just face it, emo eunice without sleep will be ultimate emo-ness.
this phase of life feels foreign. yes, it's busy. but this whole set of emotions are very different from i had felt in the past. i want to learn to control them well, gah. teach me how teach me how teach me how. i'll be leaving them in prayers day in day out, so that wont be a day when i will look into the mirror and know that the person in front of it is no longer me.
but somehow at this point of time, some people ought to be thanked. thanks for being such a great help, thanks for all those encouragements or just thanks for being there to listen. sometimes a listening ear is just so important.
i... pray for strength. 22:55
03 May 2007
I found the place called an open heart Where loves embrace mends a broken heart Here I will stand for all my days
right now, i feel this tinge of incoherence in me, and it has been the case for the past few days. there seems to be a lot inside the mind, but somehow you cant name what they are and words just fail. moreover, its indeed harder to phrase and express out certain feelings and thoughts. i just have no idea how to start.
so i start to rant a lot. in the other place which most cant find, in hope that i'll be able to capture that feeling correctly and sort out the mess in the meantime. so far, oh well, they have been futile attempts i suppose.
and i admit i cant do a lot of things. those within my ability, i promise i'll try really hard. maybe i hadnt been working enough in the past. but i guess those beyond me, i'll have to trust them in You. i just dont want to see everything as burdens as things get worse.
this is definitely not the best times of my life, but i want to learn something from it in the end. thank God for the family issue, though it's not resolved, subdued tension is more than i had prayed for.
it's not the end yet. so it will be okay in the end.
