i dont care what's going on but i really need to clear and sort my thoughts out. because it's not everyday i get to have some great secret being blurted out, and thank goodness it's not everyday i feel this great sense of betrayal. and of course, all the aftermath of them all.
to you, i'm still very angry because you didnt treat me seriously and just because you didnt realise the severity of what you have said, here i am being sucked into the game of wrath. both my wrath and my parents' wrath. it's just exasperatingly amazing how one word can affect another individual's life so much and throw his or her life off course. and right now, im treading each step with extreme caution because i have no idea what lies ahead of me. (just in case you are reading this, would you kindly enlighten me on the rationale of doing what you just did to me?)
but i suppose the faith shouldnt stop no matter what. it has brought me a long way all these while. and you are not going to stop all these.
since the day i decided to keep it a secret, i've figured out that this day will come. and yes, secretly i did prepare myself for that day, and i just didnt think it would have come so fast. and without extra preparation on my side, that is. since i've prepared myself for the worst, what is to come can either be what i expected or just more pleasant surprises.
i give thanks to the first chance for such a long time that i was able to sit down and talk to mum about it. all the previous attempts to do so failed so terribly, and yet today when it's such a day of chaos, it was actually probable. nope the content of the talk was not ultimately what i wanted to talk about, but really i shouldnt be asking more because just a while ago, i never would have believed that the setting and atmosphere would have been possible at all. it's truly a blessing.
we talked about faith instead. frankly speaking, it wasnt easy to touch on that topic because it's just so hard to express yourself so that there wont be more and more misunderstandings to add on to whatever had been happening in my life. but that peaceful state of the mind, that level of understanding and sharing, im truly appreciative of that. and i was enlightened of the fact that i havent quite grasped - i come from a very traditional family with very conservative values. it's not a family that can be challenged with all the foreign ideas and not everyone is comfortable with the level of changes that's happening. all the ties, all the traditions, all the ancestry. i can declare that i want to live my own life, but deep down i know it would not have been very much possible without what i've grown up with pulling me back. but yes, we both agree that extremity irks. (for once, we actually agreed on something mutually) and with all the examples that she had quoted, it wont be an easy journey if i want to fight it out in the end. but first, i really have to set an example.
and i promise i'll try.
and really, for the first time in ages, for the first time, i felt that she is actually supportive of this. then what were the heartaches a while ago all for? 14:50
