here's a shoutout to my dearest shepherd who popped by the class bench this morning to pass me a packet of banana nut crunch and milo! thanks fung! <3 came as a pleasant surprise considering i was feeling a bit mental this morning because of all the late-night reading of harry potter.
been feeling hardworking and have also been considerably more productive recently. but i guess sometimes when the heart's willing, the body and brain are weak eh. my brain space is not expanding as quickly as i need to cram the thousand and one pieces of information into my head. but oh wells im getting prepared for a busy week, all in hope of a great refreshment at the end of week. yes, come on let's go man!
and oh yes, i keep hearing that song in school. and i cant deny that sometimes that tinge of sadness just creeps in, but the facial expression shall not change. it's just a story dug out for a while, when the music stops, the story will be tucked away in that box of memories again.
all but a phase once again. i've seen it somewhere before. and i think i know what to do with it.
(: 20:55
29 July 2007
was doodling with the documents i have in the computer when i chanced upon this file. it says doc1! on microsoft word. and in it, there's that analogy of eating tao huey.
and i wonder how long it took you to type that document and send it. because now that im at it, i find that its actually such a difficult thing to do. it's like literally putting the whole friendship at stake just to bring across the message.
but whatever it is, im glad the friendship withstood that challenge and took on a new purpose.
and i shall really back up my computer system, because never would i want to lose this file. 15:56
28 July 2007
its truly amazing how you spoke to me and reminded me of my foolishness for allowing myself to be upset over such trivial matters. for the love of true friends is constant and Your love is constant and that's all that really matter, isn't it?
perhaps i've been searching in the wrong corners all along. so that was an apt reminder. (:
on the other hand, its high time to be charged up for schoolwork. more procrastination will spell immediate doom. grrr.
bring it on! (and stop all the harry-pottering) 22:42
27 July 2007
some songs just bring you down into memory lane. dont you think so?
havent been feeling so lately until i chanced upon yiruma's pieces. there's always something inside that gets stirred haha. and even so when i heard the band people playing princess mononoke on their instruments. that movie theme was just so unforgettable. and i'll always remember that movie was our first one together, and unfortunately the last.
there's a little tinge of sadness amidst that nostalgia.
i want to watch the movie again. and this time round, i feel like watching it alone.
and will you watch over those hearts tomorrow? and let that overwhelming love touch theirs like how you did a year ago for me. 20:57
26 July 2007
like humpty dumpty, yours truly had a great fall this morning. and im absolutely awed at the number of bruises i have right now as a result. big ones, small ones, moderately painful ones and not so painful ones.
but i will still learn to give thanks for each day (: weather was good and girls' cg was quite good too. even the content covered during bio lect was interesting, all the SCID and cystic fibrosis =p hmm think i shall aim to whine and complain less tomorrow, coming to think about it, i think i had whined too much at the class bench after school today. im not going to turn into someone that i dislike, testimony please.
on the other hand, though prayers are not answered at the moment, i hope you have moved on the scale already (: oh and i used to wonder why people could not stop singing praises about all that greatness, and now i know.
it's that realisation that we all have that love in us. 22:00
25 July 2007
have been away from the computer these two days, heh guess most of the time i was spent sleeping. for two consecutive nights, the lethargy just decided to take over and everytime i only wake up in the morning. not even feeling refreshed. heh so no, im not going to waste the time away tonight.
and i want to sleep between 10-12 too, to get the optimum skin repair hoho. definitely not funny when the pimple outbreak comes and never go. =p
anyway school's getting a little busy with the tutorials, the revisions, the consultations and the impending prelims and eventually A levels. thankfully family-wise nothing has been going wrong much, so that leaves me with the bulk of the energy to cope with this. where's my fighting spirit man! HAHA. yes, im going to fight this battle with faith, and in mind of what truly means to me.
and oh another thing, i guess what fungmin told me yesterday during shepherding kinda hit me. something to do with that invisible scale. hmmm, you are probably a minus twenty or something. it can hurt sometimes, but i wont give up, because i was not given up. i probably was a minus twenty or minus fifty back then. but im pretty sure His grace is enough for everyone.
and the bonus for this week even when its only midweek is that i've had a rare lunch with dear shawn ((: though its only for a short one hour or so, its time well spent and treasured. thanks for buying mangoes for me though i forgot to take along with me heh.
to the little sea creature!and i know you are troubled over that matter but trust that all things will soon come to an end and the childish ones will soon be enlightened yeah? like you said, we all do stupid stuff in different times of our lives, not once but many many times, and this is definitely one that they will look back and laugh at their own foolishness. cheer up okay! (: love!
and now im just told that issues and ideas is not due tmr. doh. i shall give myself a break then. hoho (: 22:20
22 July 2007
cca is not just a cca, because it tells the story of a bunch of people. a bunch of people who were seemingly strangers at first but soon found attachment to the people around them.
for me, hcco is something i want to cherish. they say things that dont come easy are more treasured, how true. this journey was not a smoothsailing one, and the rah-rah hyperness didnt come easy either.
sometimes i wonder what would happen if right at the start of last year, i had listened to my head a little more and stopped my co journey there and then. yes, i had problems adapting to the hcco culture then, it was so different from nyco, the section was pretty much lukewarm at first, faces in dazu look so foreign and i was afraid of what was to come. what if it did not end well, i didnt want a happy ending back in end of sec four to become a nightmare two years later. but thank God He gave me a heart that speaks louder than my head. and i stayed and no regrets yupp.
so things changed, and thankfully for the better. faces and voices around you become more familiar and the next thing you know when you smile at someone, he or she will smile back haha. and more and more it feels just like the right place to be in. we have so many differences among us but you just cant deny theres just something special and common in us that makes us come back week after week. the many practices, the many fun games we had - the common pastime being qiao3, huang zhong concert, hcco interaction, the whole syf experience. all the toil and sweat (its probably too cold in lt3 and mph) and the laughters and fun. and oh yeah of course the 67, 170, 171, 961 bus gang, all the random crap that we did and talked about on the bus after every single prac. late bus trips home are made different with you guys. there's so many things and memories we have to selfishly bring away together with us, yes we may have the achievements, what do they mean without the people? every one of us, especially hcco 06-07, we remember each other as the hcco in our hearts.
thank you dyb for being the section thats so subtle in the kind of rah-rah love. HAHA. when the whole world is hyper, we can be seen stoning. but look a bit deeper, im very awed by some of the sweet and random things that we will do. those small little cosy talks, knowing that in front of some people, its just totally fine to act stupid. or be stupid haha. okay or maybe its me being stupid and zhikang laughing at me -.- pfft.
hmmm there will be a lot of departures this year, this being the first but i shall not emo. because what's to come will come and things dont end there. they merely take on a new role. don't stay, move on but look back. and be glad that all these happened and you are there.
when the last note resounds in the concert hall, we know its all over or is it? this story has come to an end, or rather the end of the chapter i would say. because our hcco story will then take on a new purpose and the new chapter starts with another batch of people. people who will enjoy this journey, as much as we did. hwachong life will never be the same again without you people, and for all the memories i took along with me i definitely give thanks for. this story you guys have written with me, im locking it up with me (:
and maybe we may not be partners on stage anymore, but what about the stage of life? (: no one says there's an absolute end.
but we will definitely say, hcco is love.
<3 10:19
21 July 2007
been a busy day, but two things i've learnt before the day ends:
1. giving thanks when good things happen in your life is called being grateful. and giving thanks when things are screwed up requires faith.
2. hcco is love.
goodnight world. 23:57
17 July 2007
i was reminded by the starfish story just a while ago. the little boy who didnt give up in throwing the many starfish on the shore back into the sea, even though by the next low tide it would seem as though his efforts are in vain. the point was that he did not give up.
sometimes when things dont seem to be improving, it just feels like an easy way out to just give up. wave the white flag, thats it. the frustration can kill sometimes. the discouragement can kill sometimes.
but if we give up, all the efforts that were previously done would really have gone to waste, nothing left isnt it. the full stop has been drawn and yes it's done it's finished. and all we've got... it's a lousy ending. and we forget why we do some things right from the start. we dont do things for nothing. mr nothing doesnt have the honour yet.
as for you, i know it's tough all along for you and it does hurt a little to see that passion of yours waver even that little slightest bit. you are definitely there for a reason and take heart, dont ever give up yeah? (: that special someone sees your heart, and soon they will see your heart too. jiayou - the little sea creature. love!
on a side note, i've got an A for econs (: first ever in my hwachong life. and someone definitely isnt going to get the credit. anyway, the slight pressure on studies is kicking in finally. let's all wake up from the slumber. 21:39
16 July 2007
i have a lot of random thoughts today, triggered here and there. sometimes i wonder, if im not so random, i probably wont have that many thoughts to confuse myself and also that many thoughts to give me a little more insights of what kind of life im living now.
living a life acknowledging the existence of a higher being does not make my life problemless. in fact, i dont even have less problems than before. more? maybe, i guess. old problems persist, new ones come, some get solved. but i suppose ultimately, the way of coping with all these is changing. lamenting about going through crap periods in life doesnt go about giving another form of liberation. i ended up digging my own grave and burying myself up.
buried so many years. death. warped love. conflicts. departures and disillusionment. im not quite sure whether i can handle them. you held my hand once, hold it again will you? that overwhelming liberation, make me a testimony of your love.
what love is real? is there such a thing called obliged love?
and sometimes certain company is very much appreciated and treasured. thanks fung for the afternoon out! (: and sutyee was right to say people-people interaction is very special. we all call it affinity. we are just constantly looking for that someone we can connect to. but then again, will deliberate attempts prove to be fruitless, because whats meant to happen will happen?
and then theres the apt reminder. let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.
but for you, those thoughts of yours hurt me. you make me feel helpless.
breathe. 22:21
15 July 2007
it's really really uncomfortable to be sick. i rather the fever come now, burn everything up and everything else will be better after that. but apparently not now.
grr.
and this is my seventh hour awake since 12am this morning. wow.
heal me heal me heal me heal me. 19:17
14 July 2007
im definitely on some rollercoaster ride recently. that same old feeling churning again, and it sure doesnt feel too good when sickness came for its visit these few days as well. eating porridge all day long is not funny when i dislike it so much.
what was it that im disillusioned about? teach me to set my eyes somewhere else. teach me to cope with the disappointment. teach me how to look at departures and leavings in a new perspective. mould and chisel me into someone stronger.
and while i may not be faithful in believing all the times, thanks for being faithful in your love all the time. 10:15
11 July 2007
so last night was the completion of that last chapter. but i dont think im doing justice to it if i blog about it now. so perhaps some other day.
im just in the wrong state now. my throat feels like total shit and it hasnt felt this sore since a long long time. it's as though my throat is having a fever.
hurhur.
save meeee.
[edit]
you can never imagine how happy i was when i was talking to wanchien online just now. (: lots of pleasant surprises.
i can feel You moving.
Take my life And all that I have to give Take my world Just inhabit all of it Take my dreams Make me assuredly Yours 21:14
09 July 2007
i'm already at the last remaining chapter of the story.
and tmr no matter what happens, you guys will pen down the last line of the story with me, together.
like all tales, when given a choice, happy endings are always the best. dont you agree?
when the director shouts "cut", it signals an end. when that familiar hand stops in the air tomorrow evening, the story will finish. 21:53
06 July 2007
time passes so quickly this week that i really lost count of the day, and here finally comes friday. i suppose for a reason or another, this week has been a tiring one. not to mention i kept dozing off during bio prac today and its just so hard to stay awake. and yeah im looking forward to be refreshed by you (:
what's important and what's not. in what, will i invest time and give my all? i can slowly feel the answer getting clearer and clearer. the day when i can say it with conviction, there will be no turning back at all. that day will come.
do i really have that many packages to take care of? maybe its just that, all i have to do is to wrap them all up in a bigger package, and realign my focus and once that big package is taken care of, nothing worries anymore.
you still amaze me, as usual.
and to this girl, thanks for being there for me (:
all events will nonetheless come to pass and somehow it's the company that i think i will miss the most in the end. 22:56
04 July 2007
reality hits when school has to start proper again, when i have to sit by the table listening to the subject teachers and the various lectures and no more snacking and fidgeting while studying. it's kind of funny when everything can feel a bit foreign after such a short while. it's just one holiday.
and oh, i've got an ungraded for maths. i guess im feeling much jaded about it now, though just a while ago i still gave thanks that the marks i got were decent given how much i have attempted the paper.
hmmm pfft.
ahhh. i have a lot of unexplained feelings inside me now. i feel like expressing them out but words just fail me totally. maybe i dont even know what im feeling specifically. the general idea is that i feel very detached from things around me right now. i suppose i kept repeating the phrase "i dont know" during the phonecall conversation with shawn.
i think its how things are changing and are different thats making me feel like this. or is it? or is it because i've changed and i need to cope a different way? oh my. this is bad. i should just go pray and sleep my head off. 22:57
03 July 2007
there are some things that i miss tonight. no particular reason why i suppose, just let the imagination run wild and let the song play.
i miss the way how home used to feel. the way that we used to talk to each other.
i miss nyco somehow, especially after jiangchuan and i started talking about our days back there after school.
i miss the warmth and fun that we used to share. no idea why, but im getting more and more cynical about this.
i miss the days when we can talk about anything under the sun, and why is it so that most of our conversations always end up with the awkwardness of silence?
i think i miss you the most. it's not as painful anymore, but you know sometimes i still do hope i can see you once again. it's been such a long time since we last did isnt it?
when many things are given, many things are taken away too. when things have changed, they can never be the same. it's just impossible for things not to change. eunice, dont dream. 22:51
02 July 2007
heh guess most of my post-blocks days were spent watching videos at crunchyroll =p and so i managed to finish season 1 and 2 of hana yori dango, in 2 days? haha. i suppose, once in a while, it's nice to indulge in tv dramas, to laugh and cry with it.
hana yori dango is way better than meteor garden, i swear. better casting and better acting, pretty impressed by casting of the three main leads, makino, doumyouji and hanazawa. thought it brought out the feeling of the manga and anime even when some parts of the plot have already deviated. though i would prefer it better if season 2 wasnt that sad cos everyone in the show looked so torn apart haha.
and of out the many many songs i particularly like this one a lot (:
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but then of course life wasnt just all about tv during these few days. guess i gave myself a lot of time to think about a lot of stuff. time to reason out things i wasnt feeling quite clear about. cant say i figured out what im supposed to feel, but the thing that mattered was that i felt much better. 22:14
01 July 2007
if there's anything i need to learn, teach me how to love.
teach me how to love the people around me. not just those that i like, even when sometimes people are not lovable anymore, teach me not to stop loving.
i shall not be discouraged even when it gets tough loving someone.
i shall not love people as though they are substitutes for others, because thats way too selfish. loving people for who they are, and not what they are not.
and i can never thank enough for that care and concern. God-sent isnt it? 22:48
now that blocks are over, i truly gave thanks to your faithfulness throughout the week. like what was said today, its like experiential learning. i know it because i've experienced it. all the afternoons and nights of sustaining that strength to push on and hang on, and all the lovely encouragements received from the people you have put around me.
really, lots of thanks.
haha giving thanks makes me feel blessed, even when things get tough sometimes and things are not as pretty as we want them to be. just like accidental pencil marks on a clean canvas, they are not pleasing to the eye and so we rub hard at them. but more often, we end up smudging the markings and made things worse.
and i was a little disappointed at myself today actually. because i dont know why i got pretty much affected by the bus incident yesterday and the feeling was horrible. its like as though im feeling something my mind tells me is wrong and yet i cant help it.
figured out certain relationships affect more than the others. and this particular one is really taking a toll on me.
