i dislike parting scenes, really.

because i admit that im someone to tend to resist changes, rather prefer that things will always remain the same and constant and i'll be in my comfort zone happily ever after. maybe thats why sometimes i get so miserable with myself because that's just not possible in reality. time ticks past and events always change. people around us come and go, regardless whether i want it or not. so maybe this time i'll opt for a change and learn to accept it readily because i believe Your plans are good till the end of time.

so yesterday afternoon was the last combined hwachong caregroup session together. i think i was too tired to feel too sad then because of the aftermath of class chalet, but now i guess the sadness has started to sink in a bit. just a shoutout here, i really love you guys a lot a lot, and i mean it. the dynamics, the warmth, the friendliness, the care and concern showed are just unforgettable. like i say, you guys are just like a family outside home. (: at one of my lowest points in life last year, through Him and you people, then was i able to slowly pick myself up, and eventually open up a bit more. i thought i couldnt trust, believe or even love genuinely anymore. but you guys proved me wrong and taught me how. eunice heart the caregroup and every one of you in there.

despite this, i really wanna learn to let go. especially in this one whole year, i've been trying so hard to put down past events that have been bogging me down all this while. letting go doesnt mean forgetting about someone or something, maybe its just about moving on. moving on with what i have at the moment, with what the people around me have given me thus far, with the love i've received all the while. because afterall, it will be plain dumb to deny that what i am today was nothing to do with you guys.

dont think a blog entry is enough to round up what i feel about you guys, because you people are love, so much that my words and vocabulary cant express.

but here, sealed with a promise, i'll move on bravely and strongly. because His love never fails and and in Him we find love and joy together, and thats for eternity. (:

whatever it is, dont thinnk i'll ever forget that my initial steps of my walk with Him was with you guys. and im really proud to be from hc caregroup, under dearest CLs, fungmin samuel and tracee! (: and of course under one great God which im very thankful for.

john 15:12

and now. my excitement for the future path begins.
08:56


i was really overwhelmed a while ago.

imagine this. a phone call came and your class chalet is supposed to start today when we all thought it is tmr. now change it to reality. my battery went down two bars after 45 min of continuous calling and smsing and yeah, sudden panicking.

hopefully all things are more or less settled. sigh. my deepest apologies to those who cannot make it at all ): dui bu qi.

ahhh.

why did things turn out this way. sigh.
20:02


one of the those blank-out times came again, sigh. a new bout of apathy just hit me, say a few hours ago? i wonder why my mind keeps switching to the blanking out mode. does it mean some things need to be erased from the mind temporarily so that nothing drastic would be felt? or does it simply stem from boredom?

sometimes maybe its better not to always search for a human answer. some things are just naturally harder to explain than others.

and im really getting tired of prom shopping, because it gets exasperating when you are shopping under time constraints and especially shoes when manufacturers only challenge how high a freaking pair of heels can go up till. so today i just settled down with this pointed flats. urgh whatever, its not flats, because i think theres a 1cm heel or something. i think, i just ran out of patience with myself then.

hmmm, just knew that last caregroup clashes right on with class chalet. ): sadded. but guess perhaps i'll just take day 2 afternoon out and join the cg, afterall i dont think i'll bear to miss any of it, pretty torn apart. =\

in the end, it all boils down to choices isnt it? choices everyday, we just cant miss them.
00:28


restructuring was announced today and coming next week, its a new exciting path for me.

out of my comfort zone, im going to cling onto You no matter what. im venturing into this unknown with you. pioneering, here i come.

some things come, and that means some things have to go. it could have been only a very short one year, but this year with you guys has been truly amazing and you guys have given me a family outside home. how many times i was touched by the abundant love. i cant count anymore and i just cant stop giving thanks.

to love or to be loved is better, i cant say because i really feel loved and i love you guys much.

(:
00:17


it was a day of great company, as usual, with the cg people today (:

minds cafe was crazy, and the dinosaur game was just tiring. i have crazy game mates like yvonne fung qinpei leon and clarence. haha. not to mention that occasionally you will hear kenneth's legendary screams. and wenwei brought his brother who was just absolutely cute to the max.

then dinner with fung still around and the chitchat at ben and jerry's with the guys after that.

sometimes i really give thanks to whoever He has put around me. yes im surrounded by people who challenge me, but i guess im also reminded once and again that there are people who i can really trust and depend on support when i need to.

restructuring is going to be really soon. and i guess caregroup people will become ex-caregroup mates and new will come. but whatever it is, we are still under one institution, under one family, under one higher being. still brothers and sisters (:
23:28


liberation was indeed sweet. and this is the new beginning of life should really be, or is it? i guess perhaps i would have preferred a life where the more intangible things are being pursued. that would be pretty great i think.

but im skeptical about how im gonna work my way through this 8-month holiday. it would be absolutely retarded to say that im gonna play hard till then. but so far my planner tells me that i have almost something on every single day until 14 dec, and at this rate, it may just be a bout of crazy fatigue.

i'll see how. maybe i'll squeeze in an exercise regime, so i can keep up with the bustling activities going on.

so day one of liberation was pretty mild, because i was just tired surprisingly.

i was yawning like crazy during the last paper of my jc life. probably the last bio mcq in my entire life. not of boredom but of lethargy haha. wanted to hit kino and hide in some corner to read books, so got shawn to accompany me. but in the end, it ended up as a trip to harbourfront and vivo with the window shopping and catching up. and our legs ached. -.- a surprise to me was pageone at vivo, maybe one day i may go there and chill out in solitude. good books still attract me, and i just found out that the book im currently reading is really a bestseller in bookstores. (: so im glad for great company this morning and afternoon.

and on a side note, shopping for prom shoes is a pain. why cant people manufacture more flats and ladies sandals, instead of challenging how high a pair of heels can go?

grr.
22:20


after tmr 9.15am...

(:

and more (: (: (:

when everything's been pushed to "after A's" this is what i think i need to do.

1) draw up my planner until end of dec. so many things are going on till i lost count.
2) meet up people i've not been seeing for ages!
3) more time for the higher being up there haha.
4) japanese drama spree
5) get good books from the library
6) shopping for prom
7) chalets and camp
8) plan tuition sessions and earn quick bucks
9) start sourcing for a job
10) pack up the pig-sty in my room
11) find some computer games to play
12) save up money, and hopefully by the end of the 8-month long holiday i can afford a decent camera
13) doodle with photography?

and many more...

haha. 19 more hours, time, you shall pass at a pace such that i can finish whatever i need to, and whats left is to anticipate the freedom.
14:02


goodness.

im watching the drama hero before my a levels actually end.

kuryu kohei. <3

ah, i really really want to go catch the movie. ahhhh.

pfft.
00:05


i've made an important decision recently.

and though that path looks bumpy and rocky, i think if i keep you close by my side, i should be able to do fine. and maybe at the end of the path, i'll find myself becoming a stronger person for you.

sometimes i tell myself i need a breakthrough. but apparently i was only thinking, because breakthroughs dont come easy. it was a hard decision, but at least i made it.

(:

bio paper three was over today and it was really manageable, i had much to write until i was still trying to scribble at the last minute. sounds better than having nothing to write? one more left!

and on a side note, i've found myself a dec-hol job as a 1-month math tutor. MATH TUTOR. but oh wells, primary 3 maths cant be that daunting. and i desperately need money to handle my spending spree for the month.
12:23


saw this somewhere and ha how interesting..

You grew up watching He-man, MASK, Transformers, Silver Hawk and Mickey Mouse, Ninja turtles, Carebears, Robocop, My Little Pony and Smurfs.

You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You would squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug.

You hated or loved the school nurse (she was either pretty or mean).

You know what SBC stands for.

You paid 40 cents for cartons of Chocolate or Strawberry milk every week in class.

Everyone's wallet used to be the velcro type

It was cool to have pagers in primary school

SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned.

The bus seats are made of wood and the cushionwere red. The big red bell gave a loud BEEP! when pressed. There were still bus tickets and bus conductors would come up to check them. (haha i took such before they phased out)

Envelopes were given to us to donate to Sharity Elephant every Children's Day.

You've probably read Young Generation magazine.You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.
You know what PETS are and the hidden animals in all the text pages. You hated penmanship.

Writing lines and caning hands were common, esp if you failed chinese spelling (caning was actually allowed. no shit).

You were there when they first introduced the MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50.

Gals were fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls.


You learn to laugh like The Count in Sesame Street.

You bought tidbits called beebee (20 cents per pack, 10 cents in MGS), and mamee (30 cents), that had a different sticker in it every time.

You carried a lunch box to school but either threw away the food or brought it back home again.

You watched TV2 (also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven were probably the thickeststory books you thought you would ever read.

KFC used to be a high class restaurant that served food in plates and had metal forks and knives.

Catching and pepsi-cola was the IN thing, and twist was themagic word.

Your English workbooks were made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.

You came to school 15 mins before the bell every morning just so you could copy someone's homework.

CDIS was your best friend.The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixellized characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you math.

Waterbottles were slung around your neck and a must everywhere you went.

Boys loved to play soccer with small stones or tennis balls in the basketball court.Girls played five stones and boys played with marbles.

Science was fun with the Balsam and the Angsana being the most important plants of our lives, guppies and swordtail being the most important fishes.

Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, immortalized in our minds from school textbooks.

We conducted experiments of our own to get badges for being a Young Zoologist/Botanist etc.

Every Children's day and National day you either got pins or pens with 'Happy Children's Day 1993' or useless plastic files with 'Happy National Day 1994'.
(not so old la)

You wore BM2000, BATA, or Pallas shoes.

Your form teacher taught you Maths, Science and English.

You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the schoolto sit down, dry your feet, and wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.

There would be spelling tests and mental sums to do almost everyday (you hated them).

Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $2 or more for pocket mone everyday.

You saw Wee Kim Wee's face in the school hall.

Boys liked catching fighting spiders, earthworms or tadpoles.Collecting and battling erasers was a pastime for boys.

Class monitors and prefects loved to say, "You talk somemore, I write your name ah!"

You got booked for muddy shoes in class.

There were at least 40 people in one class.

You brought every single book to school, even though there was a timetable.

There was a pro-yo/bumblebee, digimon craze at some point in time.

but then again, i dont think i was that old. this only reminds me of my p1 and p2 days. 10 years ago? HAHA.
10:29


im at the crossroads.

and right now, i need to know what you want to do with me. what i want to do with you. and what i want to do with myself.

i hope the answers come soon, not just accelerated heartbeat heh. im praying hard, really.

changes.
23:11


sometimes i just have no idea what im doing with my life.

take this for example, i have chem mcq tmr, and yet i've been slacking through the day. distracted, tired, bored, you name it.

and really should i give thanks that i'm not the one on the driver's seat, because i will mess up my life pretty terribly given my discipline. or maybe i still dont see the point about chasing those grades. not yet.

guess i should hit my books again soon. even when i dont see the point yet, the prospect of being disappointed in the future should be able to pull me back to reality.

like what zhikang said last time, no regrets. haha.

im just a whiney girl today. oh wells.
20:55


i saw 8 people from sevenfive online today. and thats record breaking because i have never seen so many people since before prelims. haha. the wonders of mugging like crazy, and eunice is the only weird person who stays online close to 24/7.

but half the time, im just not chatting. you know, sometimes, you are just waiting for the right msn convo to pop out.

only three papers left till liberation. move on and look forward. :D

i still want to cling on to the tiny hope that you have given so carelessly. if its not okay, its not the end, because in the end it will be okay. i just need to wait till the end.
20:11


so i think you were right. i'll just take this chance and really see who are the ones who will stay till the very end. i may be afraid that people will fail the test, and i may be afraid of being disappointed, but at the end, i cannot do much anyway.

i dont hold the reins. im not the driver of the car that picks and drops people along the way. the road may be bumpy, but i really hope you will stay on. but then again, you dont hold the reins either.

havent i asked myself that question so many times? and havent i gotten the answer? knowing and accepting, are indeed two issues.

and i cant believe that im drilling a hole myself to get myself stuck in. sometimes these are the dumb decisions that i make and i hope i laugh at them one day. because apparently 18 years of life, i havent laughed at myself enough yet.

i will be okay soon. (:

and a levels are ending soon! 4 more papers and then the long awaited liberation. this month sure passes quickly, like any other time.

and this is random, but i want to watch the japanese movie 'hero' after As. (:
23:22


i dont like the way some things catch me by surprise. especially when they are not all that pleasant after all.

that statement caught me by surprise, and there goes my attention and concentration since after lunch.

there's a lot of things i've yet to understand, and maybe i'll never get the answers. but i'll learn to take it as it is, but sometimes i just wish it all didnt happen.

[edit]

thanks for the phone call. even when i think i wasnt coherent, i wasnt making sense, but thanks for just being there and understanding.

[/edit]
14:56


when things are not very pretty, i tend to find comfort in people and things. in food, in chocolate, in people around me. but i give thanks that i always find comfort in my big shepherd, and small shepherd ho.

thanks fungmin for hearing me out even when its like the wee hours of the morning now. (:

and im not usually awake this time. blame it on the two drinks i had at starbucks and coffee bean today, and im absolutely awake like an owl now. and owls are supposed to be wise, so i better be wise and mug my stuff well.

sometimes i just think time is slipping away. very fast. and im not living in a world where a levels only exist at this moment. heh.
01:43




13:59


i feel so out of touch with econs. mister econs, please be my good friend once again. all i ask for, is just your undivided attention for the next couple of days. (:

by the way, A levels are half done for me, more or less. 22 november, the end is at sight. and i probably took my last important math exam ever in my life yesterday. liberation from all those algebraic monsters is just... bliss. ever since the day i lost interest in all these numbers, im just waiting for an appropriate end to that.

mugging is tough. but in my opinion, mugging alone is tougher. i give thanks that i can find strength in you, and through the people you place in my life. one day, i should take random photos of my precious mugging accomplices, to mark this special phase of life haha (:

and. this is big news. i exercised for the first time ever since i stopped pe in hwachong. i feel so noob exercising again. haha. but its a good start, its high time i take care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually.

[edit]
shawn went back for ny choral night, and as expected without gary tang, theres nothing much left that makes it professional. im just glad during my years in ny, choral nights were still things that i could look forward to. now. they are just left for memories i suppose.

dont ever think i'll watch any choral night performance to spoil the image in my head. heh.
[/edit]
22:00


you dont know how relieved and grateful i am when that bout of discomfort and fluctuating body temperature fades off. thankyou. and i hope it stays that way, at least until 5pm tmr evening.

the whole afternoon was wasted because i was too sick and i have my heaviest content of A levels tmr. wish me good luck man.

this must be a true time of testing of what i have actually learnt after two years of hard work.

haha. yes, i shall not let you conquer me tmr! yes and im talking to you, mister bio paper and mister math paper. (:
22:39


one more down (: and today's supposed nightmare doesnt feel like a nightmare at all. i like the peace very very much, though i must be extra careful not to lapse into another bout of indifference. chemistry today was alright i suppose, considering i think my expectations for this A levels has slowly evolved to something else. such expectations are easier to swallow haha. at least i was glad that ionic and kinetics came out in one question so i could just skip the question, my prayer actually came true.

on a side note, its been some time since i last looped a song on the music player, moreover a chinese song. but its just interesting.


13:09



22:27


end of week 1 of a levels. and i have 9 more papers to go. it wasnt until peiting asked me then i realised there's only 9 left. not too far before all these end.

i just took my possibly 2nd-last mathematics paper ever in my life this morning. awful would be an apt word to illustrate the process. can self-doubt actually exist together with calmness? because that was how i felt this morning, and what im feeling now.

i think, since you made me who i am to be, im probably not as pathetic as i think i am, really.

let me find the confidence soon and very soon. to live those expectations, and accept whatever that comes along nonetheless.

if this is the end of world, then this world must be that insignificant. so it wont be the end of the world because there's still so much more to see.
22:42

eunice
eighteen
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hwachong
06s75
hcco
1 corinthians 16:14




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